I'm a collector, not a hoarder!

I have a friend who is close to making Aliyah (moving to Haifa,Israel).  She is packing everything she wants into the allowed number of suitcases  (I think it is 5).  Everything else is being sold or given away. She is shipping NOTHING. ( She may be leaving some personal items with a relative in his garage.)  She wants to start fresh.  I admire her tremendously for many reasons, one being that try as I might, I don't think I could ever start "fresh"
  I really don't own that much "stuff" (ala George Carlin) and during my last move about 10 years ago, I did almost start fresh, getting rid of about half of my belongings.  On a previous move when I still had what I considered a house full of items, the movers got there & groaned because I had so little & they were being paid by the hour, so they wouldn't make very much on my move. I guess what I am saying is that the amount one owns is in the eye of the beholder.  I think I have a lot, the movers think I have too little to bother with.
Right now, I think I have as little as I could possibly tolerate.  Everything I own fits into a bedroom & 1/2 and about 12 large plastic storage containers.  I have one large antique china hutch that has been integrated into my mom's decor.  Plus, I have all of my kitchen utensils, pots, pans, small appliances, etc. I have mementos from loved ones including my maternal grandmother's wedding dress & of all things her electric waffle iron which I am afraid to use cause of the old wiring. I know I could have it rewired, but then is it still hers? I have quilt squares that both my grandmother & greatgrandmother made.   I am an inconsistent crafter, so I have 1/4 closet of supplies.  I do still use them when I am in the right mood.  I LOVE costume jewelry & native arts.  I am a snob about sheets.  I don't have very many, but the ones I have I could never part with.  Anyway, my goal here was not to list my possessions, but to be thrilled for my friend & the achievement of her goals.  She is a true pioneer.  
An image came to mind of a wagon train traveling west approaching the mountains.  My friend would be the one lightening the load by throwing items out of the wagon.  I would be the one weeping by the trail over some chair my great grandfather made with his own hands. (I actually have one of those!)

Neil Simon & Sholom Aleichem Part Two

Upon reflection, I have a fear some may think I was making fun of my mother in my previous post.  Never, never, never!  I was making fun of the situation & of my reaction to it.  My love & respect of my mother continues though the woman she once was is getting harder & harder to find.  I will never give up looking for signs of that mother still being in the present. 
A friend of mine told me not to worry about this, that Jews look for humor in the worst of situations.  I agree.  We also never cease to find the guilt at enjoying that humor!
Several days ago I was filling up my mom's medicine containers for the week & tweeted that I needed an in house Pharmacist to help me. (I also need to keep track of my oral chemotherapy drug & other various pills I take)  I think I also need an in house blog editor.  Come to think of it, I could also use a person to fill the role of an old fashioned "wife", someone to cook dinner, run errands, make phone calls, balance the check book, reorganize closets, etc, etc, etc...... Any applicants? Just kidding,don't apply! Going through applications is another piece of paper work I don't have time or energy to get done.

Neil Simon meets Sholem Aleichem

Last week my roommate thought she saw a scorpion & freaked out.  We do occasionally get scorpions in the house & I hate them with  a passion.  My roommate used to be the one to kill them cause I was so afraid & disgusted by them.  The job of scorpion killer has fallen to me like almost every other job in this house.  I was on the phone when she told me there was a scorpion across the room.  I told her to step  on it & squish it as much as she could & that I would come with the dust buster as fast as I could.  Meanwhile, I was holding the phone between my ear & shoulder & accidentally disconnected the phone call. (They must have thought I was nuts cause they could hear my end of this conversation.  Fortunately, they called back by the time this episode was over.  The person I was speaking to had no sense of humor & no experience with scorpions.)  I got the dust buster & asked my roommate to lift her foot.  She did & what was there? A piece of cat hair! No scorpion.  My roommate went to the bathroom & came back all in a "tizzy".  Her voice was tremulous & she said she was "shaking like a leaf".  I asked why & she said the scorpion episode scared her death.  I'm not sure what exactly I said, but it was something like "Well, no big deal, it was just cat hair".  She said "Well thanks for all of the sympathy" with her voice dripping with sarcasm.(Neil Simon's Brighton Beach Memoirs popped into my head)  I was aghast.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  This from a woman who thinks I'm weak because I get upset about having had cancer, a broken ankle & a kidney stone at the same time.  Despite knowing better I answered "You're kidding, right?" She said no.  I said (again knowing better) "This coming from a woman who can only show me sympathy when I'm laying on the floor with a broken bone?" (Neil Simon again).  She said "Yes" & something about how she has to remind me to keep a stiff upper lip.  (You'd think we were British, not Jewish~~yeah I realize you can be both) So I say something to the effect that sympathy seems to only travel UP the family tree(OK, the fiction ends, the "roommate" is my mom).  She said "Yes".  I asked why, she said (this is where Fiddler On the Roof enters the story) "Because I am the Mama!" There was nothing to do but leave the room & laugh.  Thank G-d I get plenty of support from lots of other people. 

The "D" Word

The following is SLIGHTLY fictionalized in an attempt to protect people's dignity.  By the way, dignity is NOT the D word of the title.
I have a much older roommate who, through a series of circumstances, I have become responsible for.  Slowly but surely the years are catching up with her.  Until recently this was with glacial slowness, so slow, I had to think back several years trying to find the genesis of this dreaded "D" word---Dementia. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see clues I missed at the time.  I have an advanced degree that should make me an expert on the "D" word, but when it happens to someone close to you, an expert makes excuses just like any other friend would. Lately, these changes and symptoms have begun appearing more rapidly. 
Yesterday, some events occurred that made me realize I need to write about it to help myself process it & also maybe if there if just one person out there who can benefit from my experience I want s/he to read this.
My habit of trying to use logic  to get through to her is a hard one to break.  There is no sense in trying to use logic, it will lead nowhere. Yet, I am still finding myself in the middle of these ridiculous, going nowhere, conversations. I am learning though because more & more I just walk out of the room to try to diffuse or interrupt the situation.  This method really works.
I have started writing an "itinerary" for the day for my friend to try to keep track of what day it is and a bare bones schedule of what to expect that day & when.  It also helps to keep track of medication times.  Sometimes, I put menu for lunch & dinner on this itinerary.  (I want to work towards 2 simple choices for each meal, but I'm not there yet).  This idea came up because I brought my friend's dinner to her one evening & her first response was "I don't like that".  My inner sarcastic self silently said "You're welcome". I didn't engage this, just retreated to kitchen to get my plate.  We both ate what was on our plates.  Our diets are slightly different these days as our doctors have  specific things they  want us to eat & not eat. Any readers of this blog know I'm having some health challenges lately.  I've found I have more energy in the morning than later in the day.  Sometimes I make a larger meal at lunch time & just soup & sandwiches for dinner.  
I try not to say "Do you remember when....?"  Instead I try to say "I remember when....." Chances are when asked directly if she remembers something, she won't, but if I describe it, it becomes a familiar memory to her, tho sometimes, she still says, "I can't remember that",
I've been trying to stick to a schedule too.  If I feel the need for a nap, I set my phone alarm so I am awake for the next item on the schedule.  This avoids my crabbiness at being repeatedly awakened & asked "Am I going to get any dinner tonight?" For some reason, the alarm on the phone is less annoying & awakens me faster. 
I am being rather strict about insisting she do things for herself that she is perfectly capable of doing.  She is not physically incapacitated.  She gets around with a walking aid.  Waking me up to turn on a lamp is not acceptable! She can also go to the fridge & get her own cold drink, etc.
There are times when my friend seems aware of her confusion & says insightful things, like "It seems I went to sleep, woke up, and everything was changed".  However, those times are outnumbered by some innate need to fill in the gaps in her memory with anything, whether real or imagined.  I have faith in the stories I have heard for years, but newer additions to these stories I take with a grain of salt.
I have a great need to protect the illusion she is the same as ever.  I need to get over this.  If we have a visitor I try to interrupt some of these stories that make no sense or lead nowhere.  I usually just get a dirty look from my friend that says "Shut up!"
I've started cleaning out her bathroom because she has been self medicating with inappropriate items that may be making certain problems worse.  I'm afraid to do it all at once, cause then she will notice & be annoyed.  We keep the Tylenol in the living room because she was taking too much of it.  There are ointments & creams prescribed for one problem she has started using for other problems.  These were the first things I scooped up & put someplace else.  My friend's husband invested wisely, but he didn't expect either of them to live beyond 70 or 75. My friend is outliving their savings, but lives with the illusion that there is plenty of money.  I am tiring of explaining this to her.  I need to just avoid it.  It's hard though when she wants outside help here practically 24/7.  The outside help never says "no" or " you can do that yourself" like I do. 
The thing that happened yesterday that prompted this blog post is just too personal to share at this time.  Let's just say I needed a little of my old friend to help me through a tough day & she was nowhere to be found.  Her body was here but I didn't recognize the person inside of that body.  I wish I knew when she left, I would have liked to say good bye.
 

Kidney Stones & Broken Bones

Sorry for the five month hiatus. Much as I wished it would not, my health has overtaken my life.  I wanted it to be in a "little compartment".  That was a crazy idea.  The only way to survive (at least for me) is to try & integrate it into my "real" life. I won't confront you with every little complication, but it has & continues to be a roller coaster ride & I hate roller coasters.  An eagle eyed Radiologist looking for something else found that I had a rather large kidney stone.  This kidney stone seems to be harder to treat than my cancer.  I think we are 99% of the way there though, finally.  Oh & I fell down the house  stairs & broke my ankle.  What a joy that was.  It's mostly healed now.  So maybe you can help me finish this "joke" "Cancer, a kidney stone, & a broken ankle walk into a bar...."

My oncologist put my chemotherapy on hold due to the kidney stone treatment.  He said "We don't give chemo to sick people"  Huh? Seriously, did he say that? I adore & trust him, but WTF?

I've learned a lot the past year.  Some of these things follow:
*you can never be embarrassed enough
*don't hire a friend to help you out.  It does not work.
*If you cry enough different places, your reputation starts to scare people into being really, really nice to you.
*money is extremely important, but don't let it rule your life.
*sleep is for wimps
*you should always be on alert for incompetance
*I think I qualify for medical marijuana
*Friends who butt in are good friends still as long as they value my choices over their opinions
Some other "friends" disappear for one reason or another.  Loss has been a recurring theme in my life, but didn't realize how fast a "friend" can disappear when you really need them. On the other hand, many people have stepped up and are being lifesavers.
*follow a doctor's instructions or fire the doctor.  I've done this twice.  I'm a good, compliant patient, but only for doctors who actually realize I am in the room with them.
*I am no doctor & should stop trying to apply logic to a medical problem
*Being sick with insurance sure beats the alternative.  I have been in both positions this year.  Currently & forever more I have great medical insurance.
I have two stacks of bills marked "paid" and "unpaid or partially paid" If I ever win the lottery, the hospital bill from August will move to the "paid" pile.  Will someone buy me a lottery ticket?
*Being sick forces you to be selfish, not necessarily selfish, but you have to put yourself first on the list which is hard when that is not your style.  If you don't put yourself first on the list, you're not even on the list IMO.
*If some complication happens to 30% of patients, it's going to happen to you.
*no matter how hard you try to get things prepared, when a woman leaves her house for the hospital, the house does not function.  Pretty soon, this just becomes normal & you are no longer surprised when you are asked how to fix a problem at home while you are in a hospital bed. I may be wrong, but don't think this happens to men.
*You can take a drug several times & still suddenly develop a true allergy to it.  I had my first and I hope last experience with hives. 
*Don't take a sleeping pill in the middle of the night & expect it to work.
* Most doctors are wonderful, caring people. Problem is when they are that, but not necessarily the best at what they do. This has only maybe happened to me once & I'm still in the process of figuring it out. 
*Broken ankle pills don't work on sore backs.
 
So I will try to be back to blogging here & I will also try to blog about things other than my health.  This is actually one of my goals now to help me feel better--to begin to engage in my hobbies again.

Crisis Mode

Yesterday I announced my health crisis on Facebook & Twitter.  According to my twitter BFF @NLitvin it was like "coming out".  I had been keeping this information closely guarded among a tight circle of friends & family.  I did this because I didn't want to become another "Cancer Blogger".  There is more to me than this. Anyway, yesterday was a tough day & I realized how isolated I felt, so I decided to tell everybody.  
My prognosis is good, I am a person of faith & am generally an optimistic person, but my surgery is next week & I am scared out of my mind.  I am a caregiver for my mother and I am making arrangements for people to look after her while I am in the hospital.  Yesterday I realized all I had to do yet before the surgery for my mom & the house we share and I had a melt down.  I am better today.  This afternoon I have a final pre surgery visit with my surgeon and am prepared with a list of questions.  My brother is going with me.  My cousin from Cleveland is coming to stay at our house & help my mother out.  I love them both very much.  Big thank yous to both of you!

Jeff Lewis Interior Therapy- Cat Episode

Over the weekend I watched one of my favorite Bravo personalities, Jeff Lewis (@JLJeffLewis) on an episode of his show "Interior Therapy".  Jeff is a successful "flipper" & designer with a particularly endearing schtick combining saying outrageous things, egotistic/selfish comments & behavior & constantly pushing limits of good behavior.  Is he irritating? Of course he is, that's part of what makes him successful.  His assistant Jenni (@JenniPulos) calls him a bully on nearly every episode. What makes up for all of this bad behavior? He is funny, well usually he is funny.  Everyone around him seems to cringe along with his viewers at some of his outrageous behavior. However, none of us can seem to wait to see what happens next.
He finally reached my limits of acceptance during this cat episode.  He somehow got himself invited into a fully dysfunctional family with 3 children, 7 cats, a recovering addict husband & a wife who is obviously clinically depressed.  The gist of the show was that the house was in chaos, over furnished, dirty, & with out of control children. The youngest child has some kind of breathing issues requiring nebulizer treatments.  No doctors were interviewed.  The source of the breathing issues according to the husband were allergies to the cats.  (Recent research indicates children raised in homes with pets are actually less likely to be allergic).  The husband said he had put up with the animals for 18 years & he was done.  I have no idea what he has inflicted on his wife for 18 years. The show focused on everyone pushing the wife to get rid of some of her rescued cats. The husband threatened divorce twice.  The interior therapy team refurbished the garage as a cat lounge with a cat door to an adorable large outdoor secure pen. The goal was to get the cats out of the house & away from the baby.  It was large enough for all 7 cats, but somehow no one would quit until they badgered the wife into giving up 3 of her cats. 
I tweeted Mr Lewis "Always thought you were funny until the cat episode.  #bully"  He retweeted my tweet with the comment "You're right, next time I will give away the baby" Needless to say I have heard from dozens of his minions accusing me of caring more about cats than children & sucking up to Mr Lewis at the same time. 
They missed the point by a mile.  This family needed a live in therapist & maid & should not have been subjected (or subjected themselves) to reality television.  The Interior Therapy team is deluding themselves that they helped this family at all.  They really think all of that dirt was from the cats? Depressed people frequently do not live in the cleanest surroundings with or without pets. I have direct knowledge of people collecting animals. It is a severe problem, but I don't think it was this family's primary problem.  If this couple is still living together, I would be most surprised. 
They could have taken away all of the cats & the end result would not be changed.  Have you ever cleaned a loved one's home thinking they could keep it clean if you only gave them a clean slate? Hopeless.  The dirt & disorder are not the problems, they are symptoms of the problem. 
So, all of you judgmental followers of Mr Lewis, stop & think.  Issues are more complex than 140 characters.  Why not ask me what I meant, rather than assuming I prefer cats over children.  I do not.