Following with a few minor modifications is an email I wrote to one of my cousins this morning.
Hi, want to keep you updated even when some of the news is disheartening. My mom is literally getting worse by the day. I was not prepared for that rapidity. I've never heard of it before. Every doctor or nurse I tell this to has no explanation, except sometimes this is the way it is. Just at her birthday 8 months ago she was at the table, wearing her crown,enjoying the meal,company & presents. Yesterday she started spitting out her pills all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, although she did begin to have trouble getting some of them down last week. I guess starting this morning I crush them & disguise their taste in food. Last night I called the pharmacist & found I can crush all but one of her pills. I will need to call the doctor for a substitute. Her food has been getting softer & softer. My brother brought her a root beer float yesterday. I'm making her shakes & smoothies although she can eat small bites of chicken that the caregiver made in my toaster oven. We are feeding her most of the time, tho we left a bowl of ice cream in front of her, went to do something else & found her feeding herself! She keeps her eyes closed most of the time. She is not walking or standing anymore,but only because her fear outweighs her strength/abilities. Last night she said good night to me as her "sweet darling girl", but had been mad at me most of the day because I would not leave her alone to just vegetate. I made cookies yesterday in effort to get her to move her arms and hands to feed herself. It did not work although she enjoyed the cookie when I put pieces in her mouth. The tests in the hospital indicated no strokes. I realize she has dementia,but some of these symptoms happening so fast make me wonder if some of it is psychiatric. I'm pretty sure my Great Grandmother deteriorated not only from "senility" as it was called in those days but from a broken heart after my Great Grandfather died. My mom has at times in her life been "high strung", but she has not been the same since her sister, then my father and then my sister died. Some of her eccentric behavior in the past decade or so I now see as the beginnings of the current problems.
Sorry to burden you with this, but thought you would like to know.
Love & Hugs, Pam
Friday, August 28, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Boss In Training
Care giving for my mom has been a continuous learning experience. I cherish every moment we have & everything I'm able to help her with. She says " I don't want to be a burden to you." I tell her she is not a burden. It is my honor to be able to help her now.
One thing I did not bargain on was being someone's boss. I did everything here by myself until I couldn't do it anymore then I hired some caregivers to help me. I have made mistakes. I mentioned at least one of them in a previous post "I have to leave at three o'clock". I have made friends with some of the caregivers. Not recommended. There needs to be some respect for each other's roles & mutual recognition of the employer/employee relationship which is negated if you become "friends". I waited too long to replace two caregivers who were not working out. I kept thinking I would awaken one day & the two of them would suddenly discover all on their own that their performance was lacking. I had too much faith in being "lucky" rather than in directing their work. On the other hand, I did post a short list of things to do each day on my mom's bathroom mirror. I appear to have been the only one who read it. There was one employee who thought she was directing my work. I let that drag on way too long. She thought it was appropriate work place behavior to roll her eyes, leave the room in a huff & then give me the silent treatment. Her explanation for this adolescent behavior was that I must not trust her if I kept "interfering". What can I say to that? Thank you very much for your help & good luck in the future.
One employee pushed me to cut out a list of 10 questions to ask a home care agency about how they select their caregivers. The irony is that she is the one who caused the most problems. Someday when I write my book, I will go into details, but the problems included fraud, alcoholism & possible theft of some of my mom's anti anxiety medications.
I resolve: I will stop making friends with the caregivers, I will keep our medications under lock & key, I will not make them take a breathalyzer test before coming in the front door, but on the other hand maybe I should.
One thing I did not bargain on was being someone's boss. I did everything here by myself until I couldn't do it anymore then I hired some caregivers to help me. I have made mistakes. I mentioned at least one of them in a previous post "I have to leave at three o'clock". I have made friends with some of the caregivers. Not recommended. There needs to be some respect for each other's roles & mutual recognition of the employer/employee relationship which is negated if you become "friends". I waited too long to replace two caregivers who were not working out. I kept thinking I would awaken one day & the two of them would suddenly discover all on their own that their performance was lacking. I had too much faith in being "lucky" rather than in directing their work. On the other hand, I did post a short list of things to do each day on my mom's bathroom mirror. I appear to have been the only one who read it. There was one employee who thought she was directing my work. I let that drag on way too long. She thought it was appropriate work place behavior to roll her eyes, leave the room in a huff & then give me the silent treatment. Her explanation for this adolescent behavior was that I must not trust her if I kept "interfering". What can I say to that? Thank you very much for your help & good luck in the future.
One employee pushed me to cut out a list of 10 questions to ask a home care agency about how they select their caregivers. The irony is that she is the one who caused the most problems. Someday when I write my book, I will go into details, but the problems included fraud, alcoholism & possible theft of some of my mom's anti anxiety medications.
I resolve: I will stop making friends with the caregivers, I will keep our medications under lock & key, I will not make them take a breathalyzer test before coming in the front door, but on the other hand maybe I should.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Annoying People
I should be able to get some peace & quiet in my own home, don't you think? No!!! Lately, the most peace & quiet I get is sitting in waiting rooms of various doctors. The annoying people are at home.
I have prima donna caregivers (not all of them, but enough to matter). They come here & take over & offer opinions on everything. I have long since given up the notion that there is any chance of consistency when it comes to working with my mother. I don't sit quietly & let this happen. I try to tell them, but get responses like "Oh, I know how to get people out of bed" before I get more than a few words out. Anything more direct from me is met with either stony silence or an argument.
There is a never ending parade of not quite, but close to really judgemental people marching though our home. They are irritating is various degrees. I confess that there are actually a couple that I look forward to seeing. However, twice this morning I was asked "What is the matter with you?". The answer is swirling in my head "Maybe you are gnawing at my last nerve". I was also told "You look tired". Thanks a lot for pointing out how bad I look. I could have gotten up earlier than 5:00 AM & taken time to put some makeup on so I wouldn't look tired. I was also told "You seem agitated today". Yes I am, because you annoy me & I have to pretend that you don't.
I also deal with annoying phone calls. Those "Microsoft Windows" scammers keep calling. I think up ridiculous things to tell them such as "I don't have a computer". Would you believe that the guy at the other end of the line actually shouted at me "You are a liar, you are a liar, you are a liar..." until I hung up. He was more annoyed with me than I was with him. Maybe there is some justice.
I have prima donna caregivers (not all of them, but enough to matter). They come here & take over & offer opinions on everything. I have long since given up the notion that there is any chance of consistency when it comes to working with my mother. I don't sit quietly & let this happen. I try to tell them, but get responses like "Oh, I know how to get people out of bed" before I get more than a few words out. Anything more direct from me is met with either stony silence or an argument.
There is a never ending parade of not quite, but close to really judgemental people marching though our home. They are irritating is various degrees. I confess that there are actually a couple that I look forward to seeing. However, twice this morning I was asked "What is the matter with you?". The answer is swirling in my head "Maybe you are gnawing at my last nerve". I was also told "You look tired". Thanks a lot for pointing out how bad I look. I could have gotten up earlier than 5:00 AM & taken time to put some makeup on so I wouldn't look tired. I was also told "You seem agitated today". Yes I am, because you annoy me & I have to pretend that you don't.
I also deal with annoying phone calls. Those "Microsoft Windows" scammers keep calling. I think up ridiculous things to tell them such as "I don't have a computer". Would you believe that the guy at the other end of the line actually shouted at me "You are a liar, you are a liar, you are a liar..." until I hung up. He was more annoyed with me than I was with him. Maybe there is some justice.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
I need to leave at three o'clock
I will not even try to re tell the events of the last 3 days in chronological order. Suffice it to say that on Monday afternoon I could not help my mom out of bed.She did not have the strength or focus of attention that she had earlier in the day. I don't know what,if anything happened. It could be something physical or something to do with dementia. I can often talk her out of these "spells". It didn't work Monday. I called an agency & they were able to send someone who had been to our house before. She couldn't come for about two hours, so I sat in my mom's room talking to & trying to reassure my mom. She was, as she would put it, in a "tizzy". She wanted to go to the bathroom. She was thirsty. I tried getting her to drink a little from a straw, but since she was laying down, it only led to choking. By the time, we got her out of bed when the home health aide arrived, she had been in bed 5 hours. Her back simply can't take that. We got her to the bathroom, cleaned up & in her "sleeping" chair. (recliner). Then I gave her dinner. It was 9 pm.
So I've hired a bunch of extra help. I keep hoping things will get back to "normal". This is going to cost a fortune. I was hoping that any major expense could be put off until August, but I'll just have to be frugal in other ways.
Yesterday a coordinator of one of the programs that is helping us called to see how things were going. I gave her the update. In the course of the conversation something came up that prompted her to warn me not to make friends with the home health aides. I laughed & said she was the hundredth person to tell me that. However,....... three hours later I was exchanging intimate details of our lives with the newest aide. I like her, I really like her. I will never learn.
Then there is the "respite" aide. She is supposed to be here Tuesday & Thursday from 1:00 to 5:00. It took over 2 months to find someone who would come to my side of town. She began with us on May 26. Today was the fourth time she has asked to leave early. What part of "respite" does she not understand? She's not just coming here so I can take a nap. I have appointments. I have places to go & hopefully people to see. (Then I wouldn't need to make friends with the aides, I could see some actual friends.) If I do choose to use the time she is here to take a nap, that's ok too. Trouble is my mom is needing assist of two people for all transfers since Monday. Right now I'm praying she doesn't say she needs to get up for anything for another 25 minutes when the respite aide arrives.
Oh don't let me forget the nurse from hell who rode in here on Tuesday. She was an RN from the doctor's office. I didn't understand why she was coming. We have home health. I was talking to the home health nurse when this other nurse range the doorbell. Since the home health nurse didn't understand why the other nurse was there I handed the new nurse the phone & let the two of them talk. It sounded like dueling nurses having a turf war. After she hung up the phone she began giving orders & asking no questions. She seemed totally confused about my mom's case. She thought the person she talked to on the phone was the physical therapist. She gave a bunch of orders on how to care for my mom's skin that contradicted every other piece of advice I'd ever been given. Nurses often have their favorite product or technique, but it all boils down to keep it moist & keep the pressure off. This woman said to use soap & water which anybody knows is drying. She was wrong about what Medicare would pay for. She said my mom's wounds were not bad enough for home health. Bulls**t! They have been paying for it on and off for 5 years. This woman had painted on eye brows arched half way to her hair line. She was leathery from the sun & she was sweating. It would be putting it mildly to say I took instant dislike to her. I called a contact I have at the doctors office & voiced my displeasure. It wasn't just me who was upset, it was my mom. She said not to ever let her in the house again. Today the administrator from the medical practice called me to apologize. She was very eloquent & sounded sincere. She said the nurse in question was being "called into the office" on Monday. I didn't want this to turn into a big ruckus because I don't want my reputation to be one of "unreasonable expectations". I don't want my mom termed by another doctor because of me, but the woman had my mom on the bed half naked to look at a few wounds on her derriere. My mom is modest. I covered her with the blanket & said we could uncover what we needed to. I think of myself as pretty meek & mild. I only speak up some times. I don't see myself as difficult to work with. Maybe I am though, maybe I am....
The cherry on the sundae? Early this morning my mom said she didn't know who she was or where she was. She asked what my name was. My heart sank further than I thought it was capable of sinking. Fortunately, after breakfast she knew who she was & who I was.
So I've hired a bunch of extra help. I keep hoping things will get back to "normal". This is going to cost a fortune. I was hoping that any major expense could be put off until August, but I'll just have to be frugal in other ways.
Yesterday a coordinator of one of the programs that is helping us called to see how things were going. I gave her the update. In the course of the conversation something came up that prompted her to warn me not to make friends with the home health aides. I laughed & said she was the hundredth person to tell me that. However,....... three hours later I was exchanging intimate details of our lives with the newest aide. I like her, I really like her. I will never learn.
Then there is the "respite" aide. She is supposed to be here Tuesday & Thursday from 1:00 to 5:00. It took over 2 months to find someone who would come to my side of town. She began with us on May 26. Today was the fourth time she has asked to leave early. What part of "respite" does she not understand? She's not just coming here so I can take a nap. I have appointments. I have places to go & hopefully people to see. (Then I wouldn't need to make friends with the aides, I could see some actual friends.) If I do choose to use the time she is here to take a nap, that's ok too. Trouble is my mom is needing assist of two people for all transfers since Monday. Right now I'm praying she doesn't say she needs to get up for anything for another 25 minutes when the respite aide arrives.
Oh don't let me forget the nurse from hell who rode in here on Tuesday. She was an RN from the doctor's office. I didn't understand why she was coming. We have home health. I was talking to the home health nurse when this other nurse range the doorbell. Since the home health nurse didn't understand why the other nurse was there I handed the new nurse the phone & let the two of them talk. It sounded like dueling nurses having a turf war. After she hung up the phone she began giving orders & asking no questions. She seemed totally confused about my mom's case. She thought the person she talked to on the phone was the physical therapist. She gave a bunch of orders on how to care for my mom's skin that contradicted every other piece of advice I'd ever been given. Nurses often have their favorite product or technique, but it all boils down to keep it moist & keep the pressure off. This woman said to use soap & water which anybody knows is drying. She was wrong about what Medicare would pay for. She said my mom's wounds were not bad enough for home health. Bulls**t! They have been paying for it on and off for 5 years. This woman had painted on eye brows arched half way to her hair line. She was leathery from the sun & she was sweating. It would be putting it mildly to say I took instant dislike to her. I called a contact I have at the doctors office & voiced my displeasure. It wasn't just me who was upset, it was my mom. She said not to ever let her in the house again. Today the administrator from the medical practice called me to apologize. She was very eloquent & sounded sincere. She said the nurse in question was being "called into the office" on Monday. I didn't want this to turn into a big ruckus because I don't want my reputation to be one of "unreasonable expectations". I don't want my mom termed by another doctor because of me, but the woman had my mom on the bed half naked to look at a few wounds on her derriere. My mom is modest. I covered her with the blanket & said we could uncover what we needed to. I think of myself as pretty meek & mild. I only speak up some times. I don't see myself as difficult to work with. Maybe I am though, maybe I am....
The cherry on the sundae? Early this morning my mom said she didn't know who she was or where she was. She asked what my name was. My heart sank further than I thought it was capable of sinking. Fortunately, after breakfast she knew who she was & who I was.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Reborn from an MRI tube.
This morning I had to have yet another MRI. This one was to get a better look at a lump on my back which most likely has nothing to do with my cancer. I consider the cancer eradicated from my body. This lump was diagnosed with one of the most painful procedures I've ever had. The Pathologist sticks a needle right into it to withdraw fluid. This is a lump that is on,in, around or some where near a NERVE. He told me that it is most likely benign and he could tell me more after it is removed. He said he could tell me more then & there but he would have to stick the needle in 6 more times & neither of us was for that option. I had already nearly broken the fingers of the nurse who volunteered to hold my hand. It was hard to withstand that pain AND not move. He looked at the fluid right away & came back to give me the diagnosis of Shwarnomma. Isn't that a middle eastern food eaten in a pita pocket? He had to write it down for me. BTW, the reason they couldn't anesthetize the area is that administering the anesthesia would hurt as much as withdrawing the fluid.
The MRI today was the next step. Thursday I see a doctor to go over the MRI, & then I'm guessing I go see a surgeon. If this thing only hurt when someone touches it, I'd say leave it alone, but it's begun to hurt all on its own, so sometimes it burns, other times it feels like I'm being stabbed. They've given me special medicine for nerve pain, but it leaves me unimpressed.
This is all a preface to this mornngs MRI. I'm not going to retell the waiting around beforehand part. I'm going to quote from my journal that I was furiously writing in to try to stave off my anxiety, because I hate MRI's.
"I swear this is the first time I have taken oxycodone for anything other than pain. (I also took xanax.) I just need all the help I can get to get through this. Heart still racing. When will I calm down? Thinking & writing about it probably wrong thing to do- making it worse. Need to meditate- if I knew how- ready to jump out of my skin -not just claustrophobia-scared that this is cancer or that I need another operation or that I'll be a paraplegic - nearly a quadraplegic. Nuts, now I'm crying. It wouldn't be a medical appointment without crying. At least I don't get hysterical or sob anymore.
Stop
Take a breath
Options/choose
Proceed to act
Options-can try hard to calm down, can just grin & bear it, can flee,can hope that med start working soon, can sit here & just worry myself sick...
Proceed to act-breathing, I may have to stop writing. I think it's making it worse. Remember, with only 1 exception that I can remember these people are NICE. That 1 person ...wasn't bad,just said I had cancer before I was sure I had it, remember crying then. Plus I hate to get Iv's"
At this point they came to get me, changing into gowns,getting IV (she got it on the first try!) & finally going in to MRI room. I was situated on table & given instructions. I told them I wanted Diana Krall or Norah Jones to listen to, then they slid the table back & started the concrete mixer. ( that's what the MRI sounds like to me if you throw in a jackhammer & a foghorn). I kept my eyes closed cause I didn't want to be reminded I was in a confined space. I think this is when the meds started working. The tech kept telling me what would happen next & telling me I was doing a good job. At what I had no idea. Then they stopped, rolled me out of the tube & injected the dye for the next part of the test. I asked them to change the musc to reggae. They rolled me back in the tube &this is when the meds really started working or I had a spiritual experience. I don't know. I started thinking about my maternal grandparents & how nurturing they were to me. I felt them both hugging me. I kept still, but started to cry again. Then the test was over & they rolled me out of the tube. Tech gave me kleenex to blow my nose. I asked her why she kept telling me I was doing a good job. She said it was because I held still. I didn't know that was such a great accomplishment.
I ended up being "under the influence" for several hours. Next time I'll stick to xanax. I told this story to someone who said it sounded like I was being reborn coming out of that tube. Hmm...
The MRI today was the next step. Thursday I see a doctor to go over the MRI, & then I'm guessing I go see a surgeon. If this thing only hurt when someone touches it, I'd say leave it alone, but it's begun to hurt all on its own, so sometimes it burns, other times it feels like I'm being stabbed. They've given me special medicine for nerve pain, but it leaves me unimpressed.
This is all a preface to this mornngs MRI. I'm not going to retell the waiting around beforehand part. I'm going to quote from my journal that I was furiously writing in to try to stave off my anxiety, because I hate MRI's.
"I swear this is the first time I have taken oxycodone for anything other than pain. (I also took xanax.) I just need all the help I can get to get through this. Heart still racing. When will I calm down? Thinking & writing about it probably wrong thing to do- making it worse. Need to meditate- if I knew how- ready to jump out of my skin -not just claustrophobia-scared that this is cancer or that I need another operation or that I'll be a paraplegic - nearly a quadraplegic. Nuts, now I'm crying. It wouldn't be a medical appointment without crying. At least I don't get hysterical or sob anymore.
Stop
Take a breath
Options/choose
Proceed to act
Options-can try hard to calm down, can just grin & bear it, can flee,can hope that med start working soon, can sit here & just worry myself sick...
Proceed to act-breathing, I may have to stop writing. I think it's making it worse. Remember, with only 1 exception that I can remember these people are NICE. That 1 person ...wasn't bad,just said I had cancer before I was sure I had it, remember crying then. Plus I hate to get Iv's"
At this point they came to get me, changing into gowns,getting IV (she got it on the first try!) & finally going in to MRI room. I was situated on table & given instructions. I told them I wanted Diana Krall or Norah Jones to listen to, then they slid the table back & started the concrete mixer. ( that's what the MRI sounds like to me if you throw in a jackhammer & a foghorn). I kept my eyes closed cause I didn't want to be reminded I was in a confined space. I think this is when the meds started working. The tech kept telling me what would happen next & telling me I was doing a good job. At what I had no idea. Then they stopped, rolled me out of the tube & injected the dye for the next part of the test. I asked them to change the musc to reggae. They rolled me back in the tube &this is when the meds really started working or I had a spiritual experience. I don't know. I started thinking about my maternal grandparents & how nurturing they were to me. I felt them both hugging me. I kept still, but started to cry again. Then the test was over & they rolled me out of the tube. Tech gave me kleenex to blow my nose. I asked her why she kept telling me I was doing a good job. She said it was because I held still. I didn't know that was such a great accomplishment.
I ended up being "under the influence" for several hours. Next time I'll stick to xanax. I told this story to someone who said it sounded like I was being reborn coming out of that tube. Hmm...
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Reflections
I'm really happy about all of the positive feedback I've received from my family about the "Outlaws" post. There are other stories I'd like to share, including from my maternal side of the family but I need a little time to decompress from the emotions I put into that post. One of my cousins wonders if several of us could somehow put our memories together. That would be a fun project, but how to do it? I read my post & the many facebook comments about the post aloud to my mom this afternoon. She enjoyed remembering & the nice compliments about how cool, thoughtful & funny my cousins think she is. She will absolutely never forget the Waldorf episode when the cousins locked themselves in a room with open windows. Do any hotel rooms actually have windows that open these days? I think the windows were open at the Waldorf that day cause we were feeding pigeons on the little ledge outside the window. I'm surprised they weren't flying around inside the room. Next time I write family memories I have to include the week my family stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel. We were there for David's medical school graduation. My dad would never have paid for that expensive a hotel but we were compted for some reason. I wish some of my cousins had been there to enjoy a fairy tale stay at the Hotel California. My other most fun memory of being in a famous establishment was when we went to the Russian Tea Room when we were in NYC for Laura's wedding.
On a completely different subject yesterday I went to a gym.
I've actually never been to a real gym before. I've done aerobics classes ( the reason I can't stand Hall & Oates to this day). I've tried yoga a few different times. I went for a while to a "rehab" gym in the '90's after a lot of Physical Therapy on a previous back issue. Just before I found out I should not be climbing hills cause of some spinal problems ( compression fractures, a healing fracure in my sacrum & a pinched nerve) I was attempting to try getting in shape by walking my street which is a steep hill. I was making it twice around our looping street in about 30 min but with every step uphill I could feel my back.The PT's I'm seeing now said it would be OK to do the treadmill if it was flat & the recumbent bike. I was really sweating. Sometimes I get somewhat compulsive & I may have gotten carried away. I also got down on a mat & tried some of my PT exercises. While I'm still in PT, I'll probably only be able to get there once a week, but I'm so glad I got started. Besides the sweat my biggest challenge was figuring out the dashboards on both pieces of equipment. My writing idol, Nora Ephron said that every time she got into shape, something broke. Having had the following in the last 2 1/2 years I can relate: broken arm, rectal cancer, radiation therapy, 2 kinds of chemotherapy, 3surgeries, a kidney stone, a heart problem. Oh, I forgot the broken ankle.
I just realized something strange. I have a full plate of stress inducing realities right now but I may be happier than any day except when I gave birth. WHY? I am making my way through it. I survived 2 years of hellish cancer treatment all the while taking care of my mother. I wasn't always graceful. I cried in doctors offices all over Tucson. I had to deal with a one incompetent doctor who was trying to dictate what my surgeon should do with me & my first therapist lasted one session. She thought I was feeling sorry for myself. She needs to go work in a drug treatment program. I was not a candidate for tough love in the middle of my cancer treatment.
On a completely different subject yesterday I went to a gym.
I've actually never been to a real gym before. I've done aerobics classes ( the reason I can't stand Hall & Oates to this day). I've tried yoga a few different times. I went for a while to a "rehab" gym in the '90's after a lot of Physical Therapy on a previous back issue. Just before I found out I should not be climbing hills cause of some spinal problems ( compression fractures, a healing fracure in my sacrum & a pinched nerve) I was attempting to try getting in shape by walking my street which is a steep hill. I was making it twice around our looping street in about 30 min but with every step uphill I could feel my back.The PT's I'm seeing now said it would be OK to do the treadmill if it was flat & the recumbent bike. I was really sweating. Sometimes I get somewhat compulsive & I may have gotten carried away. I also got down on a mat & tried some of my PT exercises. While I'm still in PT, I'll probably only be able to get there once a week, but I'm so glad I got started. Besides the sweat my biggest challenge was figuring out the dashboards on both pieces of equipment. My writing idol, Nora Ephron said that every time she got into shape, something broke. Having had the following in the last 2 1/2 years I can relate: broken arm, rectal cancer, radiation therapy, 2 kinds of chemotherapy, 3surgeries, a kidney stone, a heart problem. Oh, I forgot the broken ankle.
I just realized something strange. I have a full plate of stress inducing realities right now but I may be happier than any day except when I gave birth. WHY? I am making my way through it. I survived 2 years of hellish cancer treatment all the while taking care of my mother. I wasn't always graceful. I cried in doctors offices all over Tucson. I had to deal with a one incompetent doctor who was trying to dictate what my surgeon should do with me & my first therapist lasted one session. She thought I was feeling sorry for myself. She needs to go work in a drug treatment program. I was not a candidate for tough love in the middle of my cancer treatment.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
The Outlaws
When I was a very small girl,I became acquainted with the term "outlaws". My Uncle Artie coined the term to refer to the men & women who married into the Siegel family. He told my mom that they weren't inlaws, but outlaws. The Siegel family was large so there were lots of outlaws &cousins. My Siegel grandfather &his brother married my Siegel grandmother &her sister( a lot like twins marrying twins) so all of us were proficient at figuring out who was a first,second,once removed etc cousin. Unfortunately I never had the pleasure of knowing my Siegel grandmother as she died suddenly at a tragically young age. My grandfather remarried. Her name was Fan. She was an outlaw I guess but I knew very little about her. I assume she is the one who oversaw the huge spreads of food when the family gathered in their house at 205 Church Street. There were tables laden with everyone's favorite foods. Along with the various varieties of fish,bagels & salads there was always some Rice Krispies for my sister.
We used to have family reunions while my grandfather was still alive. They were held in a park in Lancaster,Pennsylvania around the time of my grandfather's birthday in June. They were large gatherings with many active children running around. I remember barbecues but I don't remember anyone in the family who could do that. It must have been catered. Some of the cousins have talked in recent years about resurrecting the reunion, that would be much fun. Some of my cousins I have not seen in 10 years. This is my fault I know for living in Arizona and not Massachusettes,NewYok,New Jersey, Maryland Pennsylvania or Virginia.
Unclet Artie as I said coined the term outlaw, so he will be the first I talk about. He was so funny,loving and he genuinely liked other people especially children. He always had something funny to say. He never lost his Brooklyn accent so the jokes always sounded funnier because of his delivery. He danced with all of the little girls at weddings& Bar Mitzvahs. He let us put our feet on top of his shoes while we danced. He had a nickname for me. I was "Pammy from Miami". ( I wasn't but it rhymed & it was funny so I loved it). Uncle Artie worked at the Pentagon. We always wanted him to tell us what he did there. Some of us were convinced he was a secret agent of some kind. When he explained what he did it never made any sense. I was sure he was under orders not to tell anyone about his top secret job. I still don't know what he did Maybe someday his kids will tell me.
At least one of the outlaws came with a partner & that would be Aunt Maureen. Aunt Maureen was beautiful (inside and out) & vivacious. To make her entrance into our family even more exciting, she brought her parents with her. I apologize that my memories of her dad are fuzzy, but I think he was the pet wrangler in that family. Àunt Maureen's mother was a force of nature. She too was beautiful. Her name was Aunt Reggie. She was exotic (at least to me). She had a British accent. She taught us how to get the best suntans (while it was still OK to get suntans). The secret was to mix iodine & baby oil, slather yourself up & then sit with a reflector aimed at your face. Both Aunt Maureen & Aunt Reggie were born to be married. They were also never say die matchmakers. They were always dressed impeccably( they also offered fashion advice). I remember Aunt Maureen &Uncle Charles stopping by our house in Illinois on their way back from their honeymoon. They were a lesson in newlywed romance. You could see the love in the air. If any of my cousins have a picture of their wedding party, I was a flower girl. I had to stand still for the longest time during the ceremony & I was gently reprimanded by my mother afterwards because I had been sliding my foot back & forth. I have a bracelet that was a gift to me for being in the wedding that I still treasure & wear. I'm pretty sure it was before Uncle Charles & Aunt Maureen's wedding that the infamous "locked door freak out"of my mom occurred at-- I think it was the Waldorf in NYC. We had connecting rooms. One of us cousins locked the connecting door leaving a bunch of us kids alone in an upper story room with wide open windows. I dont know how we got out, but no one fell out the window. I was honored to be present when Aunt Maureen remarried after being widowed, it was a beautiful wedding in her Japanese garden. I'm so glad Morris Tischler made her happy.
Unfortunately, Uncle Peter is a far away memory, but certain things are imprinted in my brain. He was kind, warm & soft-spoken. I remember loving him so much it hurt. He & my Aunt Anne brought me a native American doll from Oklahoma. Uncle Peter was a physician with, I'm not sure what it was called then, but something along the lines of "Indian health Services". Maybe one of the Ball children can let me know what it was called. He left us much too soon.
If Aunt Maureen came with a partner, then Patricia came with a whole posse. Patricia married my youngest Uncle, so she is only about 10 years older than me. She felt too young to be an Aunt& really wanted to just be called Patricia, but I could never do that. These days skipping the "Aunt" has been easier. She was (and is) beautiful & sophisticated. I looked up to her. She brought along her parents, sister, a few cousins& the most glamorous aunts ever. They were all gorgeous & very well put together. The Siegel family definitely needed their infusion of (I hate the word, but...) CLASS. Patricia & Uncle Stanley took me along to an outstanding cultural experience(Mikhaiĺ Baryshnikov). Sorry to report that no matter how impressed and excited I was, I could barely stay awake due to some late night teen shenanigans the previous night. I don't even remember what the shenanigans had been. By the way Patricia heard of Ravi Shankar before I did.
Aunt Selma was mysterious to me. First of all she never seemed to age. I had a couple of firsts at her house. One of those things was caviar. Oh my goodness, I've been addicted ever since. Aunt Selma also offered fashion advice. I was slow to find my style. I think I needed all the advice I could get. I remember show tunes always being on the stereo. I've been addicted to those ever since also.
I have one last Siegel outlaw & that was my Uncle Myer Nathan. He was a quiet sweet man. Maybe he wasn't always quiet. Maybe it was just when he was surrounded by Siegels. He had a lot of extra family responsibilities due to my Aunt's poor health. From my vantage point he did a fantastic job. I know his children loved him very much.
I had one outlaw on my mother's side of the family. Uncle Bob was a character, not a laugh out loud character, but just very unique. He was an entomologist & taught at St Lawrence University. He had no patience with us kids who were afraid of "bugs". He had a very distinctive voice. I can still hear it. I wish I could see his reaction to a local business here in Tucson "Uncle Bob's Popcorn".
I know some of these memories may be &probably are romanticized a little. Unless I made an outright mistake I ask my cousins to let me keep my fantasies. I also know that everything wasn't always "hunky dory". I know not everyone always got along, but I also know everyone loved one another. I left out someone's 2nd marriage cause it didn't work out & I figure that's not my busines to write about .
Thanks got to Uncle Artie for the outlaws joke. It stuck in my mind all of these years &gave me the idea for this post.
Addendum: My cousin Ellen messaged me on Facebook this morning. She said she liked this post &ŕeminded me that Aunt Reggie's husband's name was David Hayman. She also said it was OK to talk about her stepfather Ralph Klein. Yes, for a while at least my aunt's name was Anne Klein. Ellen told me that Pat(Patricia) used to refer to "Ralph Klein time" as opposed to Siegel time. Ralph liked to stick to the schedule like my dad did. They were prompt/ready to leave at the time they said they were leaving. The Siegels had famously long goodbyes which always put us behind scedule. Thank you Ellen.
We used to have family reunions while my grandfather was still alive. They were held in a park in Lancaster,Pennsylvania around the time of my grandfather's birthday in June. They were large gatherings with many active children running around. I remember barbecues but I don't remember anyone in the family who could do that. It must have been catered. Some of the cousins have talked in recent years about resurrecting the reunion, that would be much fun. Some of my cousins I have not seen in 10 years. This is my fault I know for living in Arizona and not Massachusettes,NewYok,New Jersey, Maryland Pennsylvania or Virginia.
Unclet Artie as I said coined the term outlaw, so he will be the first I talk about. He was so funny,loving and he genuinely liked other people especially children. He always had something funny to say. He never lost his Brooklyn accent so the jokes always sounded funnier because of his delivery. He danced with all of the little girls at weddings& Bar Mitzvahs. He let us put our feet on top of his shoes while we danced. He had a nickname for me. I was "Pammy from Miami". ( I wasn't but it rhymed & it was funny so I loved it). Uncle Artie worked at the Pentagon. We always wanted him to tell us what he did there. Some of us were convinced he was a secret agent of some kind. When he explained what he did it never made any sense. I was sure he was under orders not to tell anyone about his top secret job. I still don't know what he did Maybe someday his kids will tell me.
At least one of the outlaws came with a partner & that would be Aunt Maureen. Aunt Maureen was beautiful (inside and out) & vivacious. To make her entrance into our family even more exciting, she brought her parents with her. I apologize that my memories of her dad are fuzzy, but I think he was the pet wrangler in that family. Àunt Maureen's mother was a force of nature. She too was beautiful. Her name was Aunt Reggie. She was exotic (at least to me). She had a British accent. She taught us how to get the best suntans (while it was still OK to get suntans). The secret was to mix iodine & baby oil, slather yourself up & then sit with a reflector aimed at your face. Both Aunt Maureen & Aunt Reggie were born to be married. They were also never say die matchmakers. They were always dressed impeccably( they also offered fashion advice). I remember Aunt Maureen &Uncle Charles stopping by our house in Illinois on their way back from their honeymoon. They were a lesson in newlywed romance. You could see the love in the air. If any of my cousins have a picture of their wedding party, I was a flower girl. I had to stand still for the longest time during the ceremony & I was gently reprimanded by my mother afterwards because I had been sliding my foot back & forth. I have a bracelet that was a gift to me for being in the wedding that I still treasure & wear. I'm pretty sure it was before Uncle Charles & Aunt Maureen's wedding that the infamous "locked door freak out"of my mom occurred at-- I think it was the Waldorf in NYC. We had connecting rooms. One of us cousins locked the connecting door leaving a bunch of us kids alone in an upper story room with wide open windows. I dont know how we got out, but no one fell out the window. I was honored to be present when Aunt Maureen remarried after being widowed, it was a beautiful wedding in her Japanese garden. I'm so glad Morris Tischler made her happy.
Unfortunately, Uncle Peter is a far away memory, but certain things are imprinted in my brain. He was kind, warm & soft-spoken. I remember loving him so much it hurt. He & my Aunt Anne brought me a native American doll from Oklahoma. Uncle Peter was a physician with, I'm not sure what it was called then, but something along the lines of "Indian health Services". Maybe one of the Ball children can let me know what it was called. He left us much too soon.
If Aunt Maureen came with a partner, then Patricia came with a whole posse. Patricia married my youngest Uncle, so she is only about 10 years older than me. She felt too young to be an Aunt& really wanted to just be called Patricia, but I could never do that. These days skipping the "Aunt" has been easier. She was (and is) beautiful & sophisticated. I looked up to her. She brought along her parents, sister, a few cousins& the most glamorous aunts ever. They were all gorgeous & very well put together. The Siegel family definitely needed their infusion of (I hate the word, but...) CLASS. Patricia & Uncle Stanley took me along to an outstanding cultural experience(Mikhaiĺ Baryshnikov). Sorry to report that no matter how impressed and excited I was, I could barely stay awake due to some late night teen shenanigans the previous night. I don't even remember what the shenanigans had been. By the way Patricia heard of Ravi Shankar before I did.
Aunt Selma was mysterious to me. First of all she never seemed to age. I had a couple of firsts at her house. One of those things was caviar. Oh my goodness, I've been addicted ever since. Aunt Selma also offered fashion advice. I was slow to find my style. I think I needed all the advice I could get. I remember show tunes always being on the stereo. I've been addicted to those ever since also.
I have one last Siegel outlaw & that was my Uncle Myer Nathan. He was a quiet sweet man. Maybe he wasn't always quiet. Maybe it was just when he was surrounded by Siegels. He had a lot of extra family responsibilities due to my Aunt's poor health. From my vantage point he did a fantastic job. I know his children loved him very much.
I had one outlaw on my mother's side of the family. Uncle Bob was a character, not a laugh out loud character, but just very unique. He was an entomologist & taught at St Lawrence University. He had no patience with us kids who were afraid of "bugs". He had a very distinctive voice. I can still hear it. I wish I could see his reaction to a local business here in Tucson "Uncle Bob's Popcorn".
I know some of these memories may be &probably are romanticized a little. Unless I made an outright mistake I ask my cousins to let me keep my fantasies. I also know that everything wasn't always "hunky dory". I know not everyone always got along, but I also know everyone loved one another. I left out someone's 2nd marriage cause it didn't work out & I figure that's not my busines to write about .
Thanks got to Uncle Artie for the outlaws joke. It stuck in my mind all of these years &gave me the idea for this post.
Addendum: My cousin Ellen messaged me on Facebook this morning. She said she liked this post &ŕeminded me that Aunt Reggie's husband's name was David Hayman. She also said it was OK to talk about her stepfather Ralph Klein. Yes, for a while at least my aunt's name was Anne Klein. Ellen told me that Pat(Patricia) used to refer to "Ralph Klein time" as opposed to Siegel time. Ralph liked to stick to the schedule like my dad did. They were prompt/ready to leave at the time they said they were leaving. The Siegels had famously long goodbyes which always put us behind scedule. Thank you Ellen.
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