Dear Samuel, oh alright I'll try to use your grown up name, Dear Sam,
Ok, you are my only nephew, but you are still my favorite! This morning was your Bar Mitzvah. I was so happy to be there & I was proud of all of the hard work you put into studying. You did a wonderful job.
Your father's Bar Mitzvah was in Springfield, Illinois. He also did a good job. He wore a tie I picked out for him. I remember lots of people & eating salmon. (sound familiar?) There was a famous person there. The Governor came! His name was Otto Kerner (look him up, but NOT on Wikipedia!) He was a friend of your Grandfather Siegel. Thankfully, your grandfather wasn't too friendly with the Governor, cause like a lot of Illinois politicians, he eventually was tried, convicted & sent to prison for something involving bribes.
Another Bar Mitzvah that stands out in my memory was our cousin Steven. He also did a good job & the party was fun. There was also a famous person at that simcha. An author named Herman Wouk attended. You can look him up too. I was very impressed to meet him, but as I admitted in a previous blog post, I was a little tipsy when I met him. There is a funny story about an exchange between Aunt Patricia & Uncle Stanley before the party started. Uncle Stanley wanted to move Mr Wouk's books to a more prominent location in the house, but that would mean they would need to be on the same shelves as the Torah books. Aunt Patricia said he was a great author, but she didn't think he could compete with Hashem. I think the books stayed where they were. Herman Wouk did NOT go to jail. Recently, B"H, he celebrated his 100th birthday by publishing another book "Sailor and Fiddler: Reflections of a 100-Year-Old Author".
I think the famous people at your Bar Mitzvah today were your Great Grandfather Lewis- Eliezer- Siegel(who you are named after), the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe & his successor The Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson. In the 1940's, Grandpa donated money to Chabad. He would bring the donations in person when he was in Crown Heights. We really didn't know this story until Rabbi Shemtov's father was visiting in Tucson & met your Grandfather Siegel. It turned out the Rabbi's father recognized the Siegel name & asked if our family was from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. He remembered Grandpa Siegel! I don't believe in coincidences. This was all meant to be. Your Great Grandfather contributed to the very organization that educated Rabbi Shemtov, who in turn educated you. You are a product of the generations that came before.
I remember the day you were born. Your parents were generous enough to allow your large extended family to wait right outside the operating room and then into the recovery area. We were taking turns holding & kissing you & your sister when you were less than an hour old. I leaned down to kiss your mother. I whispered "Thank you" in her ear. I think she said "you're welcome".
When you & your sister were named, I was awed at the meanings of your names. Your Grandfather Siegel pointed out that your names mean G-d was asked & G-d answered. I consider you and your sister to be miracles who bring great happiness to our family.
Samuel, you are your own young man. You know your mind. I hope this remains a life long trait. This makes you strong. (I do hope you realize this is a super power. Please use for good, not evil. Just kidding, wanted you to laugh in case I am being too sentimental.)You are a sweet, kind boy with a loving disposition. I hope that doesn't spoil your reputation with your friends! I won't reflect on your entire life to this point, I don't want to embarrass you any more than I have already. However, I do remember you helping your sister stay out of trouble with the water fountain we used to have, when you offered her food from your plate, your extreme excitement at getting the little electric car, the fun you had moving dirt & rocks around the yard with a just your size tractor, how you pretended to be your Grandfather & made snoring noises, how you could talk & talk about how to fix things around the house, how during your fireman phase I made you very happy at Chanukkah with a roll of yellow "Do not cross" tape. I remember more happy times when you and your sister helped me make challah or clean for Passover. You have loved cleaning things since you could walk. I don't know if you are still interested in cleaning, I'll ask your mother:) Earlier this year, we had to replace our refrigerator. I was happy to get a new one, but will miss the old one especially because there were cracks in the bottom of it where you used to stand to reach the top shelf. One of my most precious memories is Simchas Torah when your Grandfather Siegel was still with us & 3 generations of Siegels were called to the Torah at one time, you, your dad & your grandfather.
I was not prepared to cry like a baby today at shul, but you did such a good job & I was thinking of these good memories & my sadness that some very important people are no longer with us.
I know we'll have lots of fun times in the future. I can't wait to see what they are.
Love, Tante Pam
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Some People are Just Crazy
This is a follow up to a previous blog post We Don't Live In Oregon: Caregiving Part Umpteen and a Half. Events yesterday were too weird to believe. I went to see my Internist for a routine checkup. She works in the same clinic as the provider who "fired" my mom as a patient because they could not meet "family expectations". This was my second visit to the clinic since my mom was "termed". (I've been told that is a preferred word to "fired") Both times I prepared myself for running into my mom's former provider. I would keep a blank expression on my face & look past her if the situation arose. It had occurred to me to switch doctors, but I really like the one I have. I think she likes me. We are a good fit. She's been nothing but supportive through all the cancer saga. I didn't want to give that up just so I would never have to run into the other provider. The fly in the ointment is that my mom's former provider is the owner of the practice. My doctor is her employee.
Yesterday I was called back from the waiting room for my appointment. My vitals were taken & I was shown into an exam room. I should have known something was up as that is not the usual routine there. (Usually I would be shown back to the waiting room & called back to the exam room when the doctor was ready.) I waited a few minutes in the exam room, there was a knock at the door & the Nurse Practitioner who was my mom's former PCP walked into the room & proceeded to literally yell at me for about 60 seconds about how she had heard from 3 separate people that I had been saying "disparaging" things about her. She never took a breath. She said "it must stop" & if it didn't that I "would no longer be welcome at the practice". She then turned around & left the room. I was completely blindsided. I thought my privacy had been invaded. I wanted to flee immediately. I wish I could say I wanted to follow her down the hall doing my own shouting but I'm not that person. I started pacing the room, I opened the door, I didn't want any more surprises. My doctor came in. She knew what was going to happen before hand, but was not in the position to interfere. We had a frank discussion. I was quite agitated. I said I had been afraid of conflict (tho not to this degree) , but I didn't want to change doctors. She said she would understand if I did & she could give me some names. Then we went on to have a normal appointment. She wants me to see yet another specialist. This will be about my 10th doctor. I made a follow up appointment for 3 months & got the hell out of there.
I went home & almost asked the caregiver who was with my mom for one of her cigarettes. (I haven't smoked in about 2 and 1/2 years.) Instead I ate two bowls of ice cream. Yeah getting fat is really going to show her!
I've thought about this since last evening & have come to some decisions. I guess I do have to change doctors. My psyche simply can take no more stress. I could not picture myself ever walking into that place again. I'll wait on the referral to the nephrologist, then call my doctor & ask for recommendations for a new provider. I will miss her, but I see no other option. I did some googling to find how to lodge a formal complaint with the State. I had considered this before, but thought things would just calm down. I want peace & happiness & feelings of positivity in our lives & our home. However, after yesterday I concluded that people need to be protected from such unprofessional behavior.
I have no idea who these 3 people are who the nurse practitioner says I have been saying disparaging things about her to. One of them may be my former employee who I "termed"(after late night inebriated phone calls, missing pills & lies including continuing to present herself as a CNA more than a year after her certification had expired.) The two of them are friends.I said very little about the matter to that person. I am too busy to be obsessed with spreading gossip. This brings me to my final thought on the subject. How would she thinks she knows that I have been saying disparaging things about her if she wasn't talking about confidential patient information at inappropriate times & places?
Yesterday I was called back from the waiting room for my appointment. My vitals were taken & I was shown into an exam room. I should have known something was up as that is not the usual routine there. (Usually I would be shown back to the waiting room & called back to the exam room when the doctor was ready.) I waited a few minutes in the exam room, there was a knock at the door & the Nurse Practitioner who was my mom's former PCP walked into the room & proceeded to literally yell at me for about 60 seconds about how she had heard from 3 separate people that I had been saying "disparaging" things about her. She never took a breath. She said "it must stop" & if it didn't that I "would no longer be welcome at the practice". She then turned around & left the room. I was completely blindsided. I thought my privacy had been invaded. I wanted to flee immediately. I wish I could say I wanted to follow her down the hall doing my own shouting but I'm not that person. I started pacing the room, I opened the door, I didn't want any more surprises. My doctor came in. She knew what was going to happen before hand, but was not in the position to interfere. We had a frank discussion. I was quite agitated. I said I had been afraid of conflict (tho not to this degree) , but I didn't want to change doctors. She said she would understand if I did & she could give me some names. Then we went on to have a normal appointment. She wants me to see yet another specialist. This will be about my 10th doctor. I made a follow up appointment for 3 months & got the hell out of there.
I went home & almost asked the caregiver who was with my mom for one of her cigarettes. (I haven't smoked in about 2 and 1/2 years.) Instead I ate two bowls of ice cream. Yeah getting fat is really going to show her!
I've thought about this since last evening & have come to some decisions. I guess I do have to change doctors. My psyche simply can take no more stress. I could not picture myself ever walking into that place again. I'll wait on the referral to the nephrologist, then call my doctor & ask for recommendations for a new provider. I will miss her, but I see no other option. I did some googling to find how to lodge a formal complaint with the State. I had considered this before, but thought things would just calm down. I want peace & happiness & feelings of positivity in our lives & our home. However, after yesterday I concluded that people need to be protected from such unprofessional behavior.
I have no idea who these 3 people are who the nurse practitioner says I have been saying disparaging things about her to. One of them may be my former employee who I "termed"(after late night inebriated phone calls, missing pills & lies including continuing to present herself as a CNA more than a year after her certification had expired.) The two of them are friends.I said very little about the matter to that person. I am too busy to be obsessed with spreading gossip. This brings me to my final thought on the subject. How would she thinks she knows that I have been saying disparaging things about her if she wasn't talking about confidential patient information at inappropriate times & places?
Friday, August 28, 2015
Letter to my cousin
Following with a few minor modifications is an email I wrote to one of my cousins this morning.
Hi, want to keep you updated even when some of the news is disheartening. My mom is literally getting worse by the day. I was not prepared for that rapidity. I've never heard of it before. Every doctor or nurse I tell this to has no explanation, except sometimes this is the way it is. Just at her birthday 8 months ago she was at the table, wearing her crown,enjoying the meal,company & presents. Yesterday she started spitting out her pills all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, although she did begin to have trouble getting some of them down last week. I guess starting this morning I crush them & disguise their taste in food. Last night I called the pharmacist & found I can crush all but one of her pills. I will need to call the doctor for a substitute. Her food has been getting softer & softer. My brother brought her a root beer float yesterday. I'm making her shakes & smoothies although she can eat small bites of chicken that the caregiver made in my toaster oven. We are feeding her most of the time, tho we left a bowl of ice cream in front of her, went to do something else & found her feeding herself! She keeps her eyes closed most of the time. She is not walking or standing anymore,but only because her fear outweighs her strength/abilities. Last night she said good night to me as her "sweet darling girl", but had been mad at me most of the day because I would not leave her alone to just vegetate. I made cookies yesterday in effort to get her to move her arms and hands to feed herself. It did not work although she enjoyed the cookie when I put pieces in her mouth. The tests in the hospital indicated no strokes. I realize she has dementia,but some of these symptoms happening so fast make me wonder if some of it is psychiatric. I'm pretty sure my Great Grandmother deteriorated not only from "senility" as it was called in those days but from a broken heart after my Great Grandfather died. My mom has at times in her life been "high strung", but she has not been the same since her sister, then my father and then my sister died. Some of her eccentric behavior in the past decade or so I now see as the beginnings of the current problems.
Sorry to burden you with this, but thought you would like to know.
Love & Hugs, Pam
Hi, want to keep you updated even when some of the news is disheartening. My mom is literally getting worse by the day. I was not prepared for that rapidity. I've never heard of it before. Every doctor or nurse I tell this to has no explanation, except sometimes this is the way it is. Just at her birthday 8 months ago she was at the table, wearing her crown,enjoying the meal,company & presents. Yesterday she started spitting out her pills all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, although she did begin to have trouble getting some of them down last week. I guess starting this morning I crush them & disguise their taste in food. Last night I called the pharmacist & found I can crush all but one of her pills. I will need to call the doctor for a substitute. Her food has been getting softer & softer. My brother brought her a root beer float yesterday. I'm making her shakes & smoothies although she can eat small bites of chicken that the caregiver made in my toaster oven. We are feeding her most of the time, tho we left a bowl of ice cream in front of her, went to do something else & found her feeding herself! She keeps her eyes closed most of the time. She is not walking or standing anymore,but only because her fear outweighs her strength/abilities. Last night she said good night to me as her "sweet darling girl", but had been mad at me most of the day because I would not leave her alone to just vegetate. I made cookies yesterday in effort to get her to move her arms and hands to feed herself. It did not work although she enjoyed the cookie when I put pieces in her mouth. The tests in the hospital indicated no strokes. I realize she has dementia,but some of these symptoms happening so fast make me wonder if some of it is psychiatric. I'm pretty sure my Great Grandmother deteriorated not only from "senility" as it was called in those days but from a broken heart after my Great Grandfather died. My mom has at times in her life been "high strung", but she has not been the same since her sister, then my father and then my sister died. Some of her eccentric behavior in the past decade or so I now see as the beginnings of the current problems.
Sorry to burden you with this, but thought you would like to know.
Love & Hugs, Pam
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Boss In Training
Care giving for my mom has been a continuous learning experience. I cherish every moment we have & everything I'm able to help her with. She says " I don't want to be a burden to you." I tell her she is not a burden. It is my honor to be able to help her now.
One thing I did not bargain on was being someone's boss. I did everything here by myself until I couldn't do it anymore then I hired some caregivers to help me. I have made mistakes. I mentioned at least one of them in a previous post "I have to leave at three o'clock". I have made friends with some of the caregivers. Not recommended. There needs to be some respect for each other's roles & mutual recognition of the employer/employee relationship which is negated if you become "friends". I waited too long to replace two caregivers who were not working out. I kept thinking I would awaken one day & the two of them would suddenly discover all on their own that their performance was lacking. I had too much faith in being "lucky" rather than in directing their work. On the other hand, I did post a short list of things to do each day on my mom's bathroom mirror. I appear to have been the only one who read it. There was one employee who thought she was directing my work. I let that drag on way too long. She thought it was appropriate work place behavior to roll her eyes, leave the room in a huff & then give me the silent treatment. Her explanation for this adolescent behavior was that I must not trust her if I kept "interfering". What can I say to that? Thank you very much for your help & good luck in the future.
One employee pushed me to cut out a list of 10 questions to ask a home care agency about how they select their caregivers. The irony is that she is the one who caused the most problems. Someday when I write my book, I will go into details, but the problems included fraud, alcoholism & possible theft of some of my mom's anti anxiety medications.
I resolve: I will stop making friends with the caregivers, I will keep our medications under lock & key, I will not make them take a breathalyzer test before coming in the front door, but on the other hand maybe I should.
One thing I did not bargain on was being someone's boss. I did everything here by myself until I couldn't do it anymore then I hired some caregivers to help me. I have made mistakes. I mentioned at least one of them in a previous post "I have to leave at three o'clock". I have made friends with some of the caregivers. Not recommended. There needs to be some respect for each other's roles & mutual recognition of the employer/employee relationship which is negated if you become "friends". I waited too long to replace two caregivers who were not working out. I kept thinking I would awaken one day & the two of them would suddenly discover all on their own that their performance was lacking. I had too much faith in being "lucky" rather than in directing their work. On the other hand, I did post a short list of things to do each day on my mom's bathroom mirror. I appear to have been the only one who read it. There was one employee who thought she was directing my work. I let that drag on way too long. She thought it was appropriate work place behavior to roll her eyes, leave the room in a huff & then give me the silent treatment. Her explanation for this adolescent behavior was that I must not trust her if I kept "interfering". What can I say to that? Thank you very much for your help & good luck in the future.
One employee pushed me to cut out a list of 10 questions to ask a home care agency about how they select their caregivers. The irony is that she is the one who caused the most problems. Someday when I write my book, I will go into details, but the problems included fraud, alcoholism & possible theft of some of my mom's anti anxiety medications.
I resolve: I will stop making friends with the caregivers, I will keep our medications under lock & key, I will not make them take a breathalyzer test before coming in the front door, but on the other hand maybe I should.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Annoying People
I should be able to get some peace & quiet in my own home, don't you think? No!!! Lately, the most peace & quiet I get is sitting in waiting rooms of various doctors. The annoying people are at home.
I have prima donna caregivers (not all of them, but enough to matter). They come here & take over & offer opinions on everything. I have long since given up the notion that there is any chance of consistency when it comes to working with my mother. I don't sit quietly & let this happen. I try to tell them, but get responses like "Oh, I know how to get people out of bed" before I get more than a few words out. Anything more direct from me is met with either stony silence or an argument.
There is a never ending parade of not quite, but close to really judgemental people marching though our home. They are irritating is various degrees. I confess that there are actually a couple that I look forward to seeing. However, twice this morning I was asked "What is the matter with you?". The answer is swirling in my head "Maybe you are gnawing at my last nerve". I was also told "You look tired". Thanks a lot for pointing out how bad I look. I could have gotten up earlier than 5:00 AM & taken time to put some makeup on so I wouldn't look tired. I was also told "You seem agitated today". Yes I am, because you annoy me & I have to pretend that you don't.
I also deal with annoying phone calls. Those "Microsoft Windows" scammers keep calling. I think up ridiculous things to tell them such as "I don't have a computer". Would you believe that the guy at the other end of the line actually shouted at me "You are a liar, you are a liar, you are a liar..." until I hung up. He was more annoyed with me than I was with him. Maybe there is some justice.
I have prima donna caregivers (not all of them, but enough to matter). They come here & take over & offer opinions on everything. I have long since given up the notion that there is any chance of consistency when it comes to working with my mother. I don't sit quietly & let this happen. I try to tell them, but get responses like "Oh, I know how to get people out of bed" before I get more than a few words out. Anything more direct from me is met with either stony silence or an argument.
There is a never ending parade of not quite, but close to really judgemental people marching though our home. They are irritating is various degrees. I confess that there are actually a couple that I look forward to seeing. However, twice this morning I was asked "What is the matter with you?". The answer is swirling in my head "Maybe you are gnawing at my last nerve". I was also told "You look tired". Thanks a lot for pointing out how bad I look. I could have gotten up earlier than 5:00 AM & taken time to put some makeup on so I wouldn't look tired. I was also told "You seem agitated today". Yes I am, because you annoy me & I have to pretend that you don't.
I also deal with annoying phone calls. Those "Microsoft Windows" scammers keep calling. I think up ridiculous things to tell them such as "I don't have a computer". Would you believe that the guy at the other end of the line actually shouted at me "You are a liar, you are a liar, you are a liar..." until I hung up. He was more annoyed with me than I was with him. Maybe there is some justice.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
I need to leave at three o'clock
I will not even try to re tell the events of the last 3 days in chronological order. Suffice it to say that on Monday afternoon I could not help my mom out of bed.She did not have the strength or focus of attention that she had earlier in the day. I don't know what,if anything happened. It could be something physical or something to do with dementia. I can often talk her out of these "spells". It didn't work Monday. I called an agency & they were able to send someone who had been to our house before. She couldn't come for about two hours, so I sat in my mom's room talking to & trying to reassure my mom. She was, as she would put it, in a "tizzy". She wanted to go to the bathroom. She was thirsty. I tried getting her to drink a little from a straw, but since she was laying down, it only led to choking. By the time, we got her out of bed when the home health aide arrived, she had been in bed 5 hours. Her back simply can't take that. We got her to the bathroom, cleaned up & in her "sleeping" chair. (recliner). Then I gave her dinner. It was 9 pm.
So I've hired a bunch of extra help. I keep hoping things will get back to "normal". This is going to cost a fortune. I was hoping that any major expense could be put off until August, but I'll just have to be frugal in other ways.
Yesterday a coordinator of one of the programs that is helping us called to see how things were going. I gave her the update. In the course of the conversation something came up that prompted her to warn me not to make friends with the home health aides. I laughed & said she was the hundredth person to tell me that. However,....... three hours later I was exchanging intimate details of our lives with the newest aide. I like her, I really like her. I will never learn.
Then there is the "respite" aide. She is supposed to be here Tuesday & Thursday from 1:00 to 5:00. It took over 2 months to find someone who would come to my side of town. She began with us on May 26. Today was the fourth time she has asked to leave early. What part of "respite" does she not understand? She's not just coming here so I can take a nap. I have appointments. I have places to go & hopefully people to see. (Then I wouldn't need to make friends with the aides, I could see some actual friends.) If I do choose to use the time she is here to take a nap, that's ok too. Trouble is my mom is needing assist of two people for all transfers since Monday. Right now I'm praying she doesn't say she needs to get up for anything for another 25 minutes when the respite aide arrives.
Oh don't let me forget the nurse from hell who rode in here on Tuesday. She was an RN from the doctor's office. I didn't understand why she was coming. We have home health. I was talking to the home health nurse when this other nurse range the doorbell. Since the home health nurse didn't understand why the other nurse was there I handed the new nurse the phone & let the two of them talk. It sounded like dueling nurses having a turf war. After she hung up the phone she began giving orders & asking no questions. She seemed totally confused about my mom's case. She thought the person she talked to on the phone was the physical therapist. She gave a bunch of orders on how to care for my mom's skin that contradicted every other piece of advice I'd ever been given. Nurses often have their favorite product or technique, but it all boils down to keep it moist & keep the pressure off. This woman said to use soap & water which anybody knows is drying. She was wrong about what Medicare would pay for. She said my mom's wounds were not bad enough for home health. Bulls**t! They have been paying for it on and off for 5 years. This woman had painted on eye brows arched half way to her hair line. She was leathery from the sun & she was sweating. It would be putting it mildly to say I took instant dislike to her. I called a contact I have at the doctors office & voiced my displeasure. It wasn't just me who was upset, it was my mom. She said not to ever let her in the house again. Today the administrator from the medical practice called me to apologize. She was very eloquent & sounded sincere. She said the nurse in question was being "called into the office" on Monday. I didn't want this to turn into a big ruckus because I don't want my reputation to be one of "unreasonable expectations". I don't want my mom termed by another doctor because of me, but the woman had my mom on the bed half naked to look at a few wounds on her derriere. My mom is modest. I covered her with the blanket & said we could uncover what we needed to. I think of myself as pretty meek & mild. I only speak up some times. I don't see myself as difficult to work with. Maybe I am though, maybe I am....
The cherry on the sundae? Early this morning my mom said she didn't know who she was or where she was. She asked what my name was. My heart sank further than I thought it was capable of sinking. Fortunately, after breakfast she knew who she was & who I was.
So I've hired a bunch of extra help. I keep hoping things will get back to "normal". This is going to cost a fortune. I was hoping that any major expense could be put off until August, but I'll just have to be frugal in other ways.
Yesterday a coordinator of one of the programs that is helping us called to see how things were going. I gave her the update. In the course of the conversation something came up that prompted her to warn me not to make friends with the home health aides. I laughed & said she was the hundredth person to tell me that. However,....... three hours later I was exchanging intimate details of our lives with the newest aide. I like her, I really like her. I will never learn.
Then there is the "respite" aide. She is supposed to be here Tuesday & Thursday from 1:00 to 5:00. It took over 2 months to find someone who would come to my side of town. She began with us on May 26. Today was the fourth time she has asked to leave early. What part of "respite" does she not understand? She's not just coming here so I can take a nap. I have appointments. I have places to go & hopefully people to see. (Then I wouldn't need to make friends with the aides, I could see some actual friends.) If I do choose to use the time she is here to take a nap, that's ok too. Trouble is my mom is needing assist of two people for all transfers since Monday. Right now I'm praying she doesn't say she needs to get up for anything for another 25 minutes when the respite aide arrives.
Oh don't let me forget the nurse from hell who rode in here on Tuesday. She was an RN from the doctor's office. I didn't understand why she was coming. We have home health. I was talking to the home health nurse when this other nurse range the doorbell. Since the home health nurse didn't understand why the other nurse was there I handed the new nurse the phone & let the two of them talk. It sounded like dueling nurses having a turf war. After she hung up the phone she began giving orders & asking no questions. She seemed totally confused about my mom's case. She thought the person she talked to on the phone was the physical therapist. She gave a bunch of orders on how to care for my mom's skin that contradicted every other piece of advice I'd ever been given. Nurses often have their favorite product or technique, but it all boils down to keep it moist & keep the pressure off. This woman said to use soap & water which anybody knows is drying. She was wrong about what Medicare would pay for. She said my mom's wounds were not bad enough for home health. Bulls**t! They have been paying for it on and off for 5 years. This woman had painted on eye brows arched half way to her hair line. She was leathery from the sun & she was sweating. It would be putting it mildly to say I took instant dislike to her. I called a contact I have at the doctors office & voiced my displeasure. It wasn't just me who was upset, it was my mom. She said not to ever let her in the house again. Today the administrator from the medical practice called me to apologize. She was very eloquent & sounded sincere. She said the nurse in question was being "called into the office" on Monday. I didn't want this to turn into a big ruckus because I don't want my reputation to be one of "unreasonable expectations". I don't want my mom termed by another doctor because of me, but the woman had my mom on the bed half naked to look at a few wounds on her derriere. My mom is modest. I covered her with the blanket & said we could uncover what we needed to. I think of myself as pretty meek & mild. I only speak up some times. I don't see myself as difficult to work with. Maybe I am though, maybe I am....
The cherry on the sundae? Early this morning my mom said she didn't know who she was or where she was. She asked what my name was. My heart sank further than I thought it was capable of sinking. Fortunately, after breakfast she knew who she was & who I was.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Reborn from an MRI tube.
This morning I had to have yet another MRI. This one was to get a better look at a lump on my back which most likely has nothing to do with my cancer. I consider the cancer eradicated from my body. This lump was diagnosed with one of the most painful procedures I've ever had. The Pathologist sticks a needle right into it to withdraw fluid. This is a lump that is on,in, around or some where near a NERVE. He told me that it is most likely benign and he could tell me more after it is removed. He said he could tell me more then & there but he would have to stick the needle in 6 more times & neither of us was for that option. I had already nearly broken the fingers of the nurse who volunteered to hold my hand. It was hard to withstand that pain AND not move. He looked at the fluid right away & came back to give me the diagnosis of Shwarnomma. Isn't that a middle eastern food eaten in a pita pocket? He had to write it down for me. BTW, the reason they couldn't anesthetize the area is that administering the anesthesia would hurt as much as withdrawing the fluid.
The MRI today was the next step. Thursday I see a doctor to go over the MRI, & then I'm guessing I go see a surgeon. If this thing only hurt when someone touches it, I'd say leave it alone, but it's begun to hurt all on its own, so sometimes it burns, other times it feels like I'm being stabbed. They've given me special medicine for nerve pain, but it leaves me unimpressed.
This is all a preface to this mornngs MRI. I'm not going to retell the waiting around beforehand part. I'm going to quote from my journal that I was furiously writing in to try to stave off my anxiety, because I hate MRI's.
"I swear this is the first time I have taken oxycodone for anything other than pain. (I also took xanax.) I just need all the help I can get to get through this. Heart still racing. When will I calm down? Thinking & writing about it probably wrong thing to do- making it worse. Need to meditate- if I knew how- ready to jump out of my skin -not just claustrophobia-scared that this is cancer or that I need another operation or that I'll be a paraplegic - nearly a quadraplegic. Nuts, now I'm crying. It wouldn't be a medical appointment without crying. At least I don't get hysterical or sob anymore.
Stop
Take a breath
Options/choose
Proceed to act
Options-can try hard to calm down, can just grin & bear it, can flee,can hope that med start working soon, can sit here & just worry myself sick...
Proceed to act-breathing, I may have to stop writing. I think it's making it worse. Remember, with only 1 exception that I can remember these people are NICE. That 1 person ...wasn't bad,just said I had cancer before I was sure I had it, remember crying then. Plus I hate to get Iv's"
At this point they came to get me, changing into gowns,getting IV (she got it on the first try!) & finally going in to MRI room. I was situated on table & given instructions. I told them I wanted Diana Krall or Norah Jones to listen to, then they slid the table back & started the concrete mixer. ( that's what the MRI sounds like to me if you throw in a jackhammer & a foghorn). I kept my eyes closed cause I didn't want to be reminded I was in a confined space. I think this is when the meds started working. The tech kept telling me what would happen next & telling me I was doing a good job. At what I had no idea. Then they stopped, rolled me out of the tube & injected the dye for the next part of the test. I asked them to change the musc to reggae. They rolled me back in the tube &this is when the meds really started working or I had a spiritual experience. I don't know. I started thinking about my maternal grandparents & how nurturing they were to me. I felt them both hugging me. I kept still, but started to cry again. Then the test was over & they rolled me out of the tube. Tech gave me kleenex to blow my nose. I asked her why she kept telling me I was doing a good job. She said it was because I held still. I didn't know that was such a great accomplishment.
I ended up being "under the influence" for several hours. Next time I'll stick to xanax. I told this story to someone who said it sounded like I was being reborn coming out of that tube. Hmm...
The MRI today was the next step. Thursday I see a doctor to go over the MRI, & then I'm guessing I go see a surgeon. If this thing only hurt when someone touches it, I'd say leave it alone, but it's begun to hurt all on its own, so sometimes it burns, other times it feels like I'm being stabbed. They've given me special medicine for nerve pain, but it leaves me unimpressed.
This is all a preface to this mornngs MRI. I'm not going to retell the waiting around beforehand part. I'm going to quote from my journal that I was furiously writing in to try to stave off my anxiety, because I hate MRI's.
"I swear this is the first time I have taken oxycodone for anything other than pain. (I also took xanax.) I just need all the help I can get to get through this. Heart still racing. When will I calm down? Thinking & writing about it probably wrong thing to do- making it worse. Need to meditate- if I knew how- ready to jump out of my skin -not just claustrophobia-scared that this is cancer or that I need another operation or that I'll be a paraplegic - nearly a quadraplegic. Nuts, now I'm crying. It wouldn't be a medical appointment without crying. At least I don't get hysterical or sob anymore.
Stop
Take a breath
Options/choose
Proceed to act
Options-can try hard to calm down, can just grin & bear it, can flee,can hope that med start working soon, can sit here & just worry myself sick...
Proceed to act-breathing, I may have to stop writing. I think it's making it worse. Remember, with only 1 exception that I can remember these people are NICE. That 1 person ...wasn't bad,just said I had cancer before I was sure I had it, remember crying then. Plus I hate to get Iv's"
At this point they came to get me, changing into gowns,getting IV (she got it on the first try!) & finally going in to MRI room. I was situated on table & given instructions. I told them I wanted Diana Krall or Norah Jones to listen to, then they slid the table back & started the concrete mixer. ( that's what the MRI sounds like to me if you throw in a jackhammer & a foghorn). I kept my eyes closed cause I didn't want to be reminded I was in a confined space. I think this is when the meds started working. The tech kept telling me what would happen next & telling me I was doing a good job. At what I had no idea. Then they stopped, rolled me out of the tube & injected the dye for the next part of the test. I asked them to change the musc to reggae. They rolled me back in the tube &this is when the meds really started working or I had a spiritual experience. I don't know. I started thinking about my maternal grandparents & how nurturing they were to me. I felt them both hugging me. I kept still, but started to cry again. Then the test was over & they rolled me out of the tube. Tech gave me kleenex to blow my nose. I asked her why she kept telling me I was doing a good job. She said it was because I held still. I didn't know that was such a great accomplishment.
I ended up being "under the influence" for several hours. Next time I'll stick to xanax. I told this story to someone who said it sounded like I was being reborn coming out of that tube. Hmm...
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