The "D" Word

The following is SLIGHTLY fictionalized in an attempt to protect people's dignity.  By the way, dignity is NOT the D word of the title.
I have a much older roommate who, through a series of circumstances, I have become responsible for.  Slowly but surely the years are catching up with her.  Until recently this was with glacial slowness, so slow, I had to think back several years trying to find the genesis of this dreaded "D" word---Dementia. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see clues I missed at the time.  I have an advanced degree that should make me an expert on the "D" word, but when it happens to someone close to you, an expert makes excuses just like any other friend would. Lately, these changes and symptoms have begun appearing more rapidly. 
Yesterday, some events occurred that made me realize I need to write about it to help myself process it & also maybe if there if just one person out there who can benefit from my experience I want s/he to read this.
My habit of trying to use logic  to get through to her is a hard one to break.  There is no sense in trying to use logic, it will lead nowhere. Yet, I am still finding myself in the middle of these ridiculous, going nowhere, conversations. I am learning though because more & more I just walk out of the room to try to diffuse or interrupt the situation.  This method really works.
I have started writing an "itinerary" for the day for my friend to try to keep track of what day it is and a bare bones schedule of what to expect that day & when.  It also helps to keep track of medication times.  Sometimes, I put menu for lunch & dinner on this itinerary.  (I want to work towards 2 simple choices for each meal, but I'm not there yet).  This idea came up because I brought my friend's dinner to her one evening & her first response was "I don't like that".  My inner sarcastic self silently said "You're welcome". I didn't engage this, just retreated to kitchen to get my plate.  We both ate what was on our plates.  Our diets are slightly different these days as our doctors have  specific things they  want us to eat & not eat. Any readers of this blog know I'm having some health challenges lately.  I've found I have more energy in the morning than later in the day.  Sometimes I make a larger meal at lunch time & just soup & sandwiches for dinner.  
I try not to say "Do you remember when....?"  Instead I try to say "I remember when....." Chances are when asked directly if she remembers something, she won't, but if I describe it, it becomes a familiar memory to her, tho sometimes, she still says, "I can't remember that",
I've been trying to stick to a schedule too.  If I feel the need for a nap, I set my phone alarm so I am awake for the next item on the schedule.  This avoids my crabbiness at being repeatedly awakened & asked "Am I going to get any dinner tonight?" For some reason, the alarm on the phone is less annoying & awakens me faster. 
I am being rather strict about insisting she do things for herself that she is perfectly capable of doing.  She is not physically incapacitated.  She gets around with a walking aid.  Waking me up to turn on a lamp is not acceptable! She can also go to the fridge & get her own cold drink, etc.
There are times when my friend seems aware of her confusion & says insightful things, like "It seems I went to sleep, woke up, and everything was changed".  However, those times are outnumbered by some innate need to fill in the gaps in her memory with anything, whether real or imagined.  I have faith in the stories I have heard for years, but newer additions to these stories I take with a grain of salt.
I have a great need to protect the illusion she is the same as ever.  I need to get over this.  If we have a visitor I try to interrupt some of these stories that make no sense or lead nowhere.  I usually just get a dirty look from my friend that says "Shut up!"
I've started cleaning out her bathroom because she has been self medicating with inappropriate items that may be making certain problems worse.  I'm afraid to do it all at once, cause then she will notice & be annoyed.  We keep the Tylenol in the living room because she was taking too much of it.  There are ointments & creams prescribed for one problem she has started using for other problems.  These were the first things I scooped up & put someplace else.  My friend's husband invested wisely, but he didn't expect either of them to live beyond 70 or 75. My friend is outliving their savings, but lives with the illusion that there is plenty of money.  I am tiring of explaining this to her.  I need to just avoid it.  It's hard though when she wants outside help here practically 24/7.  The outside help never says "no" or " you can do that yourself" like I do. 
The thing that happened yesterday that prompted this blog post is just too personal to share at this time.  Let's just say I needed a little of my old friend to help me through a tough day & she was nowhere to be found.  Her body was here but I didn't recognize the person inside of that body.  I wish I knew when she left, I would have liked to say good bye.