I spend a lot of time thinking about what I'm going to eat. There are no quick stops for me at Burger King or similar places. I rarely eat out at all. My preferences, personal decisions, religion/faith & health dictate every bite I eat. It wasn't always like this, I used to eat almost anything that sounded good & anywhere it was served.
About 20 plus years ago, I began a journey to become a vegetarian. This was not because I thought it might be a healthier diet or that it would be better for the planet, it was because I wanted to stop eating anything that used to have a face. I grew weary of looking at something "dead" on my plate. First came beef, later chicken, but never fish. I just couldn't stop eating fish so I call myself a pescatarian.
However, I don't eat just any fish because also within the last 20 years I decided to start keeping kosher to honor the fact that I am Jewish. That means no shellfish or fish without fins & scales. I actually have an app on my phone called "Kosher Fish" which offers a list of what is & is not kosher. Shellfish is not kosher so no lobster, shrimp, crabs, scallops, clams, etc.... Probably everyone knows that pork products are not kosher. Keeping kosher also means not mixing milk & meat products, which is not hard for me as I don't eat meat anymore. I try to eat only at kosher establishments, but I will admit that I don't yet have the discipline to do that all of the time. When I'm in a non kosher environment, I stick to salad & fish. Keeping kosher also means very careful shopping & label reading so that I don't accidentally eat a non kosher ingredient. I used to eat a lot of non kosher food before I made this change in my life. I never consciously ate pork, but many years ago, I turned a blind eye as to what was in that chef's salad. (Now I think "Yuck!")
When my sister died in 2006 at the very young age of 54(from the same kind of cancer I recently had), I almost cracked up. I needed to see a healthcare professional to help me learn to cope (something I'm still trying to do). He helped me in many ways, one of which was telling me I needed to decrease my caffeine intake. Over the next month or two I gradually decreased caffeine until I was not drinking any coffee ,caffeinated tea or soda.
One of my doctors told me not to consume: salt, black tea or calcium carbonate. Two of my doctors told me to eat a high fiber diet. (For a long time I was on a medically prescribed low fiber diet). I'm not supposed to drink any soda caffeinated or not (I will admit to a very occasional diet ginger ale or 7 up).
Oh and the kicker? I must be the only woman in history to gain weight while being treated for cancer so now I am on a diet which means reduced calories, fat & carbohydrates.
So what do I make for dinner? Well you can be guaranteed it will be kosher, pescatarian ,high fiber & low calorie with no added salt, no caffeine, no black tea, no soda & nothing with calcium carbonate in it. OK, what's for dessert?
Monday, November 17, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Chai Circle
Yesterday was the annual retreat of Chai Circle at the posh Canyon Ranch Health Resort here in Tucson. Canyon Ranch is a world known resort. They have acres & acres of beautiful grounds with flowers, really old trees, some interesting sculptures & bathrooms with real towels. I may have been a little overly impressed by that, but there were stacks of clean towels meant just for me.
Chai Circle is a group of women in the local Jewish Community with a history of cancer. This was the group's 10th retreat & the first that I attended. I have only been a member of the group since January of this year. What a day. It was fabulous! There were no registration fees. We were guests of Canyon Ranch. I've been dieting, but I ate a delicious breakfast & lunch at the resort. How many calories could it be? It's a HEALTH resort. Breakfast was bagels, lox, fresh fruit, granola, coffee cake & freshly squeezed orange juice. Lunch was whole wheat tortilla wraps, salads & more fresh fruit. In between all this eating, we had lots of time for small & large group discussions and a presentation by an integrative medicine physician called: Movement & Dancing for Optimal Health. We also had an introduction to NIA dance class led by a member of the group. I think NIA stands for non impact aerobics. The gym we used at the resort had a cushioned floor which was marvelous. The music the teacher used was Disco. She stressed that no matter how fast the music, we were to move at our own pace. The doctor who had given the earlier presentation joined us in the class. The class worked for everyone. Some people were nearly as good as the teacher & some stayed seated & danced with their arms. Me? I was able to stay with it for 20 minutes which is about my current limit for strenuous exercise.
By happenstance the only three people in the group of 20-25 with current or history of colorectal cancer sat next to each other for the doctor's presentation. We bonded & spent a good deal of the free time together. Thanks to my time with the other two, I have answered some issues I had been struggling with. It is perfectly normal to have some trouble getting used to being done or almost done with treatment. It's not that we would rather be sick, far from it, but there is "separation anxiety" from caregivers, doctors, treatment, other patients etc... (I can't speak for everyone, but I also became accustomed to the intensity of treatment & multiple complications). We feel safer, more secure surrounded by people who really know. Other people offer sincere empathy & it is welcome, but they don't actually KNOW what you've been through. This is the reason I think why I only want to take exercise classes at the Oncology clinic right now. It occurred to me that I would like to be thought of as recovering rather than aging. Cancer is my reason for being so stiff & out of shape, not my age. I know I wasn't exactly an athlete before, but nothing like this.
I saw so much contentment or peacefulness in some of the other ladies there. They are not content with having cancer or of their possible premature death. I think they are just content with TODAY. "Normal" is what you feel & where you are-embrace it. It is what it is. I waste so much energy being worried about one thing after another. I want to be more content, enjoy the present& be more mindful. I will try. However, the same genes that probably gave me cancer also predispose me to worry, worry, worry. I want to try to be less reactive. I want to worry less about what other people think of me. The truth is I need to worry less about what I think of me.
Chai Circle is a group of women in the local Jewish Community with a history of cancer. This was the group's 10th retreat & the first that I attended. I have only been a member of the group since January of this year. What a day. It was fabulous! There were no registration fees. We were guests of Canyon Ranch. I've been dieting, but I ate a delicious breakfast & lunch at the resort. How many calories could it be? It's a HEALTH resort. Breakfast was bagels, lox, fresh fruit, granola, coffee cake & freshly squeezed orange juice. Lunch was whole wheat tortilla wraps, salads & more fresh fruit. In between all this eating, we had lots of time for small & large group discussions and a presentation by an integrative medicine physician called: Movement & Dancing for Optimal Health. We also had an introduction to NIA dance class led by a member of the group. I think NIA stands for non impact aerobics. The gym we used at the resort had a cushioned floor which was marvelous. The music the teacher used was Disco. She stressed that no matter how fast the music, we were to move at our own pace. The doctor who had given the earlier presentation joined us in the class. The class worked for everyone. Some people were nearly as good as the teacher & some stayed seated & danced with their arms. Me? I was able to stay with it for 20 minutes which is about my current limit for strenuous exercise.
By happenstance the only three people in the group of 20-25 with current or history of colorectal cancer sat next to each other for the doctor's presentation. We bonded & spent a good deal of the free time together. Thanks to my time with the other two, I have answered some issues I had been struggling with. It is perfectly normal to have some trouble getting used to being done or almost done with treatment. It's not that we would rather be sick, far from it, but there is "separation anxiety" from caregivers, doctors, treatment, other patients etc... (I can't speak for everyone, but I also became accustomed to the intensity of treatment & multiple complications). We feel safer, more secure surrounded by people who really know. Other people offer sincere empathy & it is welcome, but they don't actually KNOW what you've been through. This is the reason I think why I only want to take exercise classes at the Oncology clinic right now. It occurred to me that I would like to be thought of as recovering rather than aging. Cancer is my reason for being so stiff & out of shape, not my age. I know I wasn't exactly an athlete before, but nothing like this.
I saw so much contentment or peacefulness in some of the other ladies there. They are not content with having cancer or of their possible premature death. I think they are just content with TODAY. "Normal" is what you feel & where you are-embrace it. It is what it is. I waste so much energy being worried about one thing after another. I want to be more content, enjoy the present& be more mindful. I will try. However, the same genes that probably gave me cancer also predispose me to worry, worry, worry. I want to try to be less reactive. I want to worry less about what other people think of me. The truth is I need to worry less about what I think of me.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Not Lost In Translation
Do all elders become passive-aggressive or is it just at our house? The other day I wrote a Facebook post about when my mom asks "Is this what we usually watch?" what she really means is "Change the channel!". I thought it was funny & so did a couple of people on Facebook. The thing is I've been thinking & noticing that she does this in lots of different situations. They are not all funny. Some examples follow:
"Are you eating potato chips?" (even when I'm eating vegetable sticks) means "I want potato chips" or it might mean she wants to do some emotional eating. It's a clue that I might need to give her one of her pills. She hardly ever just says "I feel nervous".
"When is (name of caregiver) coming?" This means she wants someone who will do more things for her than I will. I encourage her to do the things that she can do. I don't want those skills to disappear. When she says "I can't" I say "You did it yesterday". The caregiver is only here about 15 hours a week. I have asked her to "spoil" my mom a little cause sometimes I just don't feel healthy & energetic. I want my mom to get some small amount of "being waited upon" cause she deserves it.
Come to think about it, most of it all boils down to her asking questions instead of saying what's on her mind. "Have I had any Tylenol today?" means she needs some.
We had a little problem the other night about what she was going to wear to bed. She has 4 gowns she likes to wear to bed, but they have been washed so many times they are LITERALLY falling apart. I'm serious. They are torn & have holes in them. I have ordered new ones, but they are not the same. I can't find exactly the same thing. Of course the new ones are thicker cause they haven't been laundered 300 times. She says they are too hot to sleep in & she wants the old raggedy ones. I have actually put one of them in the rag bag in the garage. She was adamant & I let it go too far. At one point during this she actually wanted to wear a flannel night gown cause even it would be cooler than the new short sleeved cotton gown. I think she was just mad at me. Part of me wants to have my way & have her appreciate the new nice gowns. Part of me is scared that someone might see her in the old ones & think I'm not taking good care of her. The sane part of me finally realized it will be chilly in a few more weeks & she will not care how "hot" she gets at night. The old ones can just disappear over the winter & not reappear. She slept in the gown with holes & was happy.
"Are you eating potato chips?" (even when I'm eating vegetable sticks) means "I want potato chips" or it might mean she wants to do some emotional eating. It's a clue that I might need to give her one of her pills. She hardly ever just says "I feel nervous".
"When is (name of caregiver) coming?" This means she wants someone who will do more things for her than I will. I encourage her to do the things that she can do. I don't want those skills to disappear. When she says "I can't" I say "You did it yesterday". The caregiver is only here about 15 hours a week. I have asked her to "spoil" my mom a little cause sometimes I just don't feel healthy & energetic. I want my mom to get some small amount of "being waited upon" cause she deserves it.
Come to think about it, most of it all boils down to her asking questions instead of saying what's on her mind. "Have I had any Tylenol today?" means she needs some.
We had a little problem the other night about what she was going to wear to bed. She has 4 gowns she likes to wear to bed, but they have been washed so many times they are LITERALLY falling apart. I'm serious. They are torn & have holes in them. I have ordered new ones, but they are not the same. I can't find exactly the same thing. Of course the new ones are thicker cause they haven't been laundered 300 times. She says they are too hot to sleep in & she wants the old raggedy ones. I have actually put one of them in the rag bag in the garage. She was adamant & I let it go too far. At one point during this she actually wanted to wear a flannel night gown cause even it would be cooler than the new short sleeved cotton gown. I think she was just mad at me. Part of me wants to have my way & have her appreciate the new nice gowns. Part of me is scared that someone might see her in the old ones & think I'm not taking good care of her. The sane part of me finally realized it will be chilly in a few more weeks & she will not care how "hot" she gets at night. The old ones can just disappear over the winter & not reappear. She slept in the gown with holes & was happy.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Comment Addiction
I keep promising myself I will stop reading comments on posts & articles. I can't seem to keep this promise. I am drawn to the melee. I can't resist. My name is Pam & I am a "commentaholic". Most times I just get upset & want to throw something or think about eating a plate of potatoes or starting smoking again but sometimes, I enter the fray with a comment of my own. Wrong! Usually a huge mistake. Saving the world will not come about as a result of my winning a "Twittergument".
There are lots of reasons not to read comments. Many of them are written by severely undereducated people (the your/you're confusers). Some people just get off on the chance to anonymously bully someone or to express violent, racist or sexist provocative ideas. Others take the opportunity to go on at length over some conspiracy theory from old ones (the Jews control the world) to newer ones (vapor trails). Of course there are also comments from people who just disagree with me!
The group of commenters that are irritating me today are of the blame the victim mindset. Yesterday a precious baby was murdered in Jerusalem. That brought out the "Israeli's are baby killers" contingent. Today I was reading an article from The Guardian about how many women are murdered every day by husbands or boyfriends and the light sentence that a certain South African male athlete received for murdering Reeva Steenkamp. Apparently his sentence is shorter than if he had killed a rhinoceros. I'm not kidding. Of course, there were thoughtful comments, but there were too many that were not. It was the usual anti woman tripe such as women are asking for it if they don't leave an abusive relationship, etc.
I think some people blame the victim because it makes them feel safer as they think they would never put themselves into that situation. Others are just mean.
There are lots of reasons not to read comments. Many of them are written by severely undereducated people (the your/you're confusers). Some people just get off on the chance to anonymously bully someone or to express violent, racist or sexist provocative ideas. Others take the opportunity to go on at length over some conspiracy theory from old ones (the Jews control the world) to newer ones (vapor trails). Of course there are also comments from people who just disagree with me!
The group of commenters that are irritating me today are of the blame the victim mindset. Yesterday a precious baby was murdered in Jerusalem. That brought out the "Israeli's are baby killers" contingent. Today I was reading an article from The Guardian about how many women are murdered every day by husbands or boyfriends and the light sentence that a certain South African male athlete received for murdering Reeva Steenkamp. Apparently his sentence is shorter than if he had killed a rhinoceros. I'm not kidding. Of course, there were thoughtful comments, but there were too many that were not. It was the usual anti woman tripe such as women are asking for it if they don't leave an abusive relationship, etc.
I think some people blame the victim because it makes them feel safer as they think they would never put themselves into that situation. Others are just mean.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Dedicated to Nora Ephron
In honor of one of my favorite writers, the fabulous Nora Ephron, today's post will begin with a recipe. This is based on a recipe of Ina Garten which I "Pamified".
Warm Tuna Salad
Ingredients:
2 cups Israeli couscous (I didn't have any couscous in the house so I used barley)
14 oz of fancy Italian tuna packaged with oil (I used a large can of normal tuna packed in water)
2tsp lemon zest
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup olive oil( too much, I will use my own good sense the next time)
3 T. capers (not enough capers for me, I easily used twice as many)
1/2 cup Kalamata olives ( again I didn't have any so I used a can of Safeway brand black olives)
1/2 cup roasted red bell peppers ( Ina used jarred, I made my own)
2 tsp garlic
1 cup scallions (seemed like an awful lot, so I just used about 3 scallions)
1/4 cup basil (I used those frozen Dorot basil cubes you can buy at Trader Joe's)
juice of 1/2 lemon
For some reason, Ina had one and a half tablespoons of salt in this. How much you use is between you & your doctor
pepper to taste
1. Make couscous ( or barley)
2. Combine tuna, lemon zest, 1/4 cup lemon juice, olive oil, capers, olives, red bell pepper, garlic & some pepper (Ina suggested 1 1/2 tsp)
3. Pour hot couscous or barley onto tuna mixture. Toss it all together, cover & set aside for 10-15 minutes stirring occasionally. Just before serving stir in scallions, basil & juice of 1/2 lemon.
Serve warm or at room temperature. It was delicious, but as I said, I'm reducing the olive oil the next time.
Every one should read "Heartburn" by Nora. It's a fictionalized account of her marriage to journalist Carl Bernstein, has lots of food talk & recipes mixed in with accounts of Carl's adultery. The book is much better than the movie starring Meryl Streep & Jack Nicholson. As I remember the movie has a cool soundtrack, though.
Ok, back to ME, of course.
My blood test came back normal! No more worries about my Parathyroid. There will be some follow up tests & maybe some fiddling with the meds they gave me. Why do I spend so much time & energy worrying?
I must be the first cancer patient in history to GAIN weight. I did lose some at the beginning cause I felt sick & had the radiation going on, but then after my first surgery & during chemotherapy I was ravenous. One reason is that they gave me steroids as part of a pre chemo "cocktail". At some point I started emotional eating as a treatment for my depression & anxiety about having uninsured cancer & lots of complications. The upshot is now I am dieting. I have lost 4 pounds in about 4 weeks, pretty unimpressive, but at least I'm not gaining any more.
Went to my second Yoga class yesterday. I got very upset with myself cause I felt like the most uncoordinated person in the world. Almost started crying in public again. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long time. The moves & poses are complex. You don't do just one thing at a time. The teacher gave me a little talk after class. Some of the other ladies in the class have been coming for years. I shouldn't judge myself against them. She said I was strong in some ways. Remind me to ask her next week where I am strong. Today I am just a little sore. I wish I could go twice a week to the class. I'm going to have to figure out how to do that. My body isn't the only thing that has to be coordinated, so does the care giving for my mother.
Warm Tuna Salad
Ingredients:
2 cups Israeli couscous (I didn't have any couscous in the house so I used barley)
14 oz of fancy Italian tuna packaged with oil (I used a large can of normal tuna packed in water)
2tsp lemon zest
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup olive oil( too much, I will use my own good sense the next time)
3 T. capers (not enough capers for me, I easily used twice as many)
1/2 cup Kalamata olives ( again I didn't have any so I used a can of Safeway brand black olives)
1/2 cup roasted red bell peppers ( Ina used jarred, I made my own)
2 tsp garlic
1 cup scallions (seemed like an awful lot, so I just used about 3 scallions)
1/4 cup basil (I used those frozen Dorot basil cubes you can buy at Trader Joe's)
juice of 1/2 lemon
For some reason, Ina had one and a half tablespoons of salt in this. How much you use is between you & your doctor
pepper to taste
1. Make couscous ( or barley)
2. Combine tuna, lemon zest, 1/4 cup lemon juice, olive oil, capers, olives, red bell pepper, garlic & some pepper (Ina suggested 1 1/2 tsp)
3. Pour hot couscous or barley onto tuna mixture. Toss it all together, cover & set aside for 10-15 minutes stirring occasionally. Just before serving stir in scallions, basil & juice of 1/2 lemon.
Serve warm or at room temperature. It was delicious, but as I said, I'm reducing the olive oil the next time.
Every one should read "Heartburn" by Nora. It's a fictionalized account of her marriage to journalist Carl Bernstein, has lots of food talk & recipes mixed in with accounts of Carl's adultery. The book is much better than the movie starring Meryl Streep & Jack Nicholson. As I remember the movie has a cool soundtrack, though.
Ok, back to ME, of course.
My blood test came back normal! No more worries about my Parathyroid. There will be some follow up tests & maybe some fiddling with the meds they gave me. Why do I spend so much time & energy worrying?
I must be the first cancer patient in history to GAIN weight. I did lose some at the beginning cause I felt sick & had the radiation going on, but then after my first surgery & during chemotherapy I was ravenous. One reason is that they gave me steroids as part of a pre chemo "cocktail". At some point I started emotional eating as a treatment for my depression & anxiety about having uninsured cancer & lots of complications. The upshot is now I am dieting. I have lost 4 pounds in about 4 weeks, pretty unimpressive, but at least I'm not gaining any more.
Went to my second Yoga class yesterday. I got very upset with myself cause I felt like the most uncoordinated person in the world. Almost started crying in public again. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long time. The moves & poses are complex. You don't do just one thing at a time. The teacher gave me a little talk after class. Some of the other ladies in the class have been coming for years. I shouldn't judge myself against them. She said I was strong in some ways. Remind me to ask her next week where I am strong. Today I am just a little sore. I wish I could go twice a week to the class. I'm going to have to figure out how to do that. My body isn't the only thing that has to be coordinated, so does the care giving for my mother.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Dedicated to Michael Corleone
"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."
The nurse at my urologist's office called the other day to say that a test I had came back with abnormal results. There was too much calcium & sodium. They both can cause more kidney stones (which I don't want). She called in a prescription for a medication, I have to have blood drawn in a week, decrease salt in my diet, see how the blood test comes out & then we will redo the original test in about a month. The excess calcium has nothing to do with what I eat or supplements I take. It's a metabolic problem.
Sounds simple & straightforward, right? True, until I started googling the medication & the blood test I'm having in a week. I keep promising myself I'm going to stop doing that, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I am not a doctor even if I know how to google "parathyroid". All it gets me is scared.
I never knew I had a kidney stone until I was hospitalized for my first surgery in August, 2013. That's the surgery that removed the cancer from my body. It's also the surgery & hospitalization for which I had no insurance. I paid the surgeon 1/2 of her fee ahead of time, paid the anesthesiologist in full & gave the hospital a deposit that would cover the predicted 4-7 day stay. I've never seen money disappear so fast in my life. I ended up being in the hospital 17 days cause of multiple complications. (This is how I ended up with a $150,000 hospital bill which they "discounted" to $60,000. More about that in a later post) One of those complications was the kidney stone that was accidentally discovered during an x-ray looking for something else. It was causing me no pain. I didn't know I had it. However, it was situated where it was blocking my kidney. Left untreated it would have destroyed my kidney. They tried several things that didn't get rid of the stone. The result was that when I was finally discharged from the hospital, in addition to a brand new ileostomy, I left with a tube in my back that was... (excuse the icky factor)...draining urine directly from my kidney into a collection bag attached to my leg. I had to cart that damn kidney tube around with me for 4 months. It delayed my chemotherapy by 2 months. My oncologist actually told me "We don't give chemotherapy to sick people". (I guess now I understand that chemo lowers your resistance to infection & that tube was a straight conduit for germs)
As an aside, I will now mention that between the tube in my back & the ileostomy (which I had for 8 months) getting dressed was a challenge. This was especially true the 24 hours I also had to wear a Holter monitor for a heart test. I was wearing the baggiest clothes I could find.
I think I hated that tube more than anything else. Any pressure on it hurt & it had bandages on it that had to be changed several times a week. When the stone was finally destroyed & the tube removed, I thought that would be the happiest day of my life. No one told me that the hole had to close on its own over a week or so. Icky factor warning. While the hole closed, I had to wear really THICK bandages on my back. The bandages hardly lasted an hour. The humiliation was unbelievable. Eight months later I was told that part of the tube broke off in my kidney during the removal procedure. I am not happy about that. I've been assured that it is not dangerous. Hmmmm.... I hope not.
Remind me of this wrinkle the next time I say most of this trouble is in my rear view window.
The nurse at my urologist's office called the other day to say that a test I had came back with abnormal results. There was too much calcium & sodium. They both can cause more kidney stones (which I don't want). She called in a prescription for a medication, I have to have blood drawn in a week, decrease salt in my diet, see how the blood test comes out & then we will redo the original test in about a month. The excess calcium has nothing to do with what I eat or supplements I take. It's a metabolic problem.
Sounds simple & straightforward, right? True, until I started googling the medication & the blood test I'm having in a week. I keep promising myself I'm going to stop doing that, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I am not a doctor even if I know how to google "parathyroid". All it gets me is scared.
I never knew I had a kidney stone until I was hospitalized for my first surgery in August, 2013. That's the surgery that removed the cancer from my body. It's also the surgery & hospitalization for which I had no insurance. I paid the surgeon 1/2 of her fee ahead of time, paid the anesthesiologist in full & gave the hospital a deposit that would cover the predicted 4-7 day stay. I've never seen money disappear so fast in my life. I ended up being in the hospital 17 days cause of multiple complications. (This is how I ended up with a $150,000 hospital bill which they "discounted" to $60,000. More about that in a later post) One of those complications was the kidney stone that was accidentally discovered during an x-ray looking for something else. It was causing me no pain. I didn't know I had it. However, it was situated where it was blocking my kidney. Left untreated it would have destroyed my kidney. They tried several things that didn't get rid of the stone. The result was that when I was finally discharged from the hospital, in addition to a brand new ileostomy, I left with a tube in my back that was... (excuse the icky factor)...draining urine directly from my kidney into a collection bag attached to my leg. I had to cart that damn kidney tube around with me for 4 months. It delayed my chemotherapy by 2 months. My oncologist actually told me "We don't give chemotherapy to sick people". (I guess now I understand that chemo lowers your resistance to infection & that tube was a straight conduit for germs)
As an aside, I will now mention that between the tube in my back & the ileostomy (which I had for 8 months) getting dressed was a challenge. This was especially true the 24 hours I also had to wear a Holter monitor for a heart test. I was wearing the baggiest clothes I could find.
I think I hated that tube more than anything else. Any pressure on it hurt & it had bandages on it that had to be changed several times a week. When the stone was finally destroyed & the tube removed, I thought that would be the happiest day of my life. No one told me that the hole had to close on its own over a week or so. Icky factor warning. While the hole closed, I had to wear really THICK bandages on my back. The bandages hardly lasted an hour. The humiliation was unbelievable. Eight months later I was told that part of the tube broke off in my kidney during the removal procedure. I am not happy about that. I've been assured that it is not dangerous. Hmmmm.... I hope not.
Remind me of this wrinkle the next time I say most of this trouble is in my rear view window.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
A nice outing
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
I did go for the yoga class, but was disappointed when I found that the teacher was sick so there would be no class. As a "newbie" my name wasn't yet on the list to call ahead of time. However, the trip to the Oncology offices was not a wasted trip. Far from it. I poked around the resource room acquainting myself with the loads of reading material & brochures for various programs. I only now feel ready to participate in some of these programs. I don't know how people find the time or energy to do some of these things while they are in the midst of treatment. Since the last surgery 5 weeks ago, I think I can finally begin to realize that most of this is in my rear view mirror (with help of my doctors & G-d). For so long, one thing after another kept complicating my recovery. I was always on alert, waiting for "the other shoe to drop" (shades of PTSD anyone?).
When I walked into the resource room, a feeling a deja vu came over me & I realized this was the room my mom & I brought my sister's wig to donate 8 years ago after she died(from the same cancer that I had). They have a wig lending program there just like a library. I started talking to the volunteer behind the desk & we had a wonderful long conversation. Another lady walked in who also hadn't received notice about the class being cancelled. She had a cute little therapy dog with her. Lily (the dog) came over to me & let me stroke her ears for the longest time. She looked like a very small cocker spaniel-"parti" colored her human mommy told me. I could tell she had been around for a while cause her muzzle was graying. She showed me some of her tricks which were impressive like picking up the end of her leash & standing against a person to give it back(especially helpful for people who can't bend over to pick up dropped items). Then the lady behind the desk said "Isn't that something how she can do all of that on only 3 legs". Three legs? I hadn't even noticed! The lady with her then held her up so I could see her scars. I then heard the sad but ultimately successful saga of how this had happened. Poor Lily was minding her own business in her fenced back yard when a neighborhood dog escaped his fenced back yard, jumped into hers & attacked her viciously. The owner ran out of the house & pulled her dog away from the attacking dog (incredibly dangerous, but I would have done the same thing). The lady suffered 2 fractured vertebrae in the process of saving her dog. Lily's left front leg had to be amputated. Apparently the vet bills alone were $8,000 & the case ended up in court. Sad story, but I was so glad I heard it with Lily right there in front of me looking very content.
After I finished in the resource room, I went to the lobby to shop. Yes, shop. They were having a fund raising boutique sale (purses, scarves, hats,jewelry & purses). Apparently they will be there the first Monday of the month until the winter holidays. Fun, fun, fun.... Mostly I just window shopped, but somehow I did justify a PINK wallet.
I did go for the yoga class, but was disappointed when I found that the teacher was sick so there would be no class. As a "newbie" my name wasn't yet on the list to call ahead of time. However, the trip to the Oncology offices was not a wasted trip. Far from it. I poked around the resource room acquainting myself with the loads of reading material & brochures for various programs. I only now feel ready to participate in some of these programs. I don't know how people find the time or energy to do some of these things while they are in the midst of treatment. Since the last surgery 5 weeks ago, I think I can finally begin to realize that most of this is in my rear view mirror (with help of my doctors & G-d). For so long, one thing after another kept complicating my recovery. I was always on alert, waiting for "the other shoe to drop" (shades of PTSD anyone?).
When I walked into the resource room, a feeling a deja vu came over me & I realized this was the room my mom & I brought my sister's wig to donate 8 years ago after she died(from the same cancer that I had). They have a wig lending program there just like a library. I started talking to the volunteer behind the desk & we had a wonderful long conversation. Another lady walked in who also hadn't received notice about the class being cancelled. She had a cute little therapy dog with her. Lily (the dog) came over to me & let me stroke her ears for the longest time. She looked like a very small cocker spaniel-"parti" colored her human mommy told me. I could tell she had been around for a while cause her muzzle was graying. She showed me some of her tricks which were impressive like picking up the end of her leash & standing against a person to give it back(especially helpful for people who can't bend over to pick up dropped items). Then the lady behind the desk said "Isn't that something how she can do all of that on only 3 legs". Three legs? I hadn't even noticed! The lady with her then held her up so I could see her scars. I then heard the sad but ultimately successful saga of how this had happened. Poor Lily was minding her own business in her fenced back yard when a neighborhood dog escaped his fenced back yard, jumped into hers & attacked her viciously. The owner ran out of the house & pulled her dog away from the attacking dog (incredibly dangerous, but I would have done the same thing). The lady suffered 2 fractured vertebrae in the process of saving her dog. Lily's left front leg had to be amputated. Apparently the vet bills alone were $8,000 & the case ended up in court. Sad story, but I was so glad I heard it with Lily right there in front of me looking very content.
After I finished in the resource room, I went to the lobby to shop. Yes, shop. They were having a fund raising boutique sale (purses, scarves, hats,jewelry & purses). Apparently they will be there the first Monday of the month until the winter holidays. Fun, fun, fun.... Mostly I just window shopped, but somehow I did justify a PINK wallet.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Trying to get back to "normal"
I've been a maniac about writing in my journal (now on volume 4 since starting in November of 2013) but neglecting this blog. One reason is that it's so daunting for me to figure out where to draw the line between public vs private information. In my journal I rant about my illness, my finances, my family relationships, perceived wrongs from "friends", etc. I don't want to rant about private things on a blog. Recently 2 people have asked me when I'm writing my book. Me? write a book? I think I need to become more disciplined about blogging first. I wish I had started my journal at the beginning of my diagnosis (February-March 2013, I have to look up the exact date by digging through my files of medical reports & bills which now fill a black bankers box I got at Walgreens).
A few days ago, a friend sent me a link to a "cancer memoir". I immediately read it, primarily to get an idea of what/ how I should write about my experiences. Very oddly, it gave me a lot of self confidence because it was so poorly written.(I'm not sure I can write very well, but I know I can write better than that author) I read it to the end, but was glad when I was done. I ended up not liking the author very much in addition to disliking the poor writing. I know that cancer stories should not be a game of who had it worse, it's all relative to the person who is going through it, but she irritated me by "whining" about medical issues that I considered "easy". She also griped about how expensive it is to have cancer even with insurance (I had no insurance for about the first 8 months of my treatment) but then talked about shopping for pretty things, eating out & traveling. Well enough about her, what about me?
Since I last blogged, I've finished the 2nd series of chemotherapy, had 2 more operations (making a total of 3 in a year). I now have clocked 30 days in the hospital between August of 2013 & August of 2014. I've had a couple of CT scans,various x-rays & 2 more PET scans. (Oh and yet ANOTHER colonoscopy, making a total of four in just under a year and a 1/2) I also had a ride in an ambulance leading to my 2nd operation . The most recent (3rd one) operation was 5 weeks ago. It was a same day surgery. I had never had one of those before. I discovered what the difference is between in patient & out patient surgery. When it is out patient, nurses shout at you as you are coming out of anesthesia "Wake up, wake up, wake up, take a deep breath, wake up" on an endless loop. They irritate you into opening your eyes & breathing just to make the loop stop. (I'm exaggerating just a little here, they were nice nurses). They then tell you it's time to get up & go to the bathroom. Huh? Are you nuts? It took 2 people & 2 percocets to get me down the hall to the bathroom. Before I knew it I was in the car being driven home. I was scared & very dubious but it did work out. Someone was here with my mom & me the first two nights, cause as you might remember I am the primary caregiver for my mom.
The last 2 operations had nothing to do with my cancer, they were to correct & address problems connected to the first surgery when they took the cancer out of me. Everything points to the cancer being GONE! I see the oncologist every three months for a couple of years & get my blood tested whenever one of my doctors says to. My oncologist is my favorite doctor. I call him my quarterback cause as far as I'm concerned he's in charge. He has a sense of humor that I like. He refers to my "52 doctors" cause of all of the complications I've had. I don't really have 52 doctors, it's more like 7 or 8.
Tomorrow I am going to try to take a step in the right direction of getting at least 1/2 way in shape. I've been on the sofa recovering from one thing after another for almost 2 years. I am a slug. I'm going to try a yoga class at one of the Oncology offices. I figure if I bomb out I'll be in good company. I am so not ready to try this at a regular gym or yoga studio. I also have one more week of not lifting, pushing, pulling, carrying, etc any thing weighing more than a gallon of milk. Hopefully, I will be able to write an update tomorrow to let you know how the class went.
Upcoming topics:
The story of a tube that broke off in my kidney during a procedure last December & how it recently came back to haunt me & the fact that my medical bills have been reduced to "only" $18,000.
A few days ago, a friend sent me a link to a "cancer memoir". I immediately read it, primarily to get an idea of what/ how I should write about my experiences. Very oddly, it gave me a lot of self confidence because it was so poorly written.(I'm not sure I can write very well, but I know I can write better than that author) I read it to the end, but was glad when I was done. I ended up not liking the author very much in addition to disliking the poor writing. I know that cancer stories should not be a game of who had it worse, it's all relative to the person who is going through it, but she irritated me by "whining" about medical issues that I considered "easy". She also griped about how expensive it is to have cancer even with insurance (I had no insurance for about the first 8 months of my treatment) but then talked about shopping for pretty things, eating out & traveling. Well enough about her, what about me?
Since I last blogged, I've finished the 2nd series of chemotherapy, had 2 more operations (making a total of 3 in a year). I now have clocked 30 days in the hospital between August of 2013 & August of 2014. I've had a couple of CT scans,various x-rays & 2 more PET scans. (Oh and yet ANOTHER colonoscopy, making a total of four in just under a year and a 1/2) I also had a ride in an ambulance leading to my 2nd operation . The most recent (3rd one) operation was 5 weeks ago. It was a same day surgery. I had never had one of those before. I discovered what the difference is between in patient & out patient surgery. When it is out patient, nurses shout at you as you are coming out of anesthesia "Wake up, wake up, wake up, take a deep breath, wake up" on an endless loop. They irritate you into opening your eyes & breathing just to make the loop stop. (I'm exaggerating just a little here, they were nice nurses). They then tell you it's time to get up & go to the bathroom. Huh? Are you nuts? It took 2 people & 2 percocets to get me down the hall to the bathroom. Before I knew it I was in the car being driven home. I was scared & very dubious but it did work out. Someone was here with my mom & me the first two nights, cause as you might remember I am the primary caregiver for my mom.
The last 2 operations had nothing to do with my cancer, they were to correct & address problems connected to the first surgery when they took the cancer out of me. Everything points to the cancer being GONE! I see the oncologist every three months for a couple of years & get my blood tested whenever one of my doctors says to. My oncologist is my favorite doctor. I call him my quarterback cause as far as I'm concerned he's in charge. He has a sense of humor that I like. He refers to my "52 doctors" cause of all of the complications I've had. I don't really have 52 doctors, it's more like 7 or 8.
Tomorrow I am going to try to take a step in the right direction of getting at least 1/2 way in shape. I've been on the sofa recovering from one thing after another for almost 2 years. I am a slug. I'm going to try a yoga class at one of the Oncology offices. I figure if I bomb out I'll be in good company. I am so not ready to try this at a regular gym or yoga studio. I also have one more week of not lifting, pushing, pulling, carrying, etc any thing weighing more than a gallon of milk. Hopefully, I will be able to write an update tomorrow to let you know how the class went.
Upcoming topics:
The story of a tube that broke off in my kidney during a procedure last December & how it recently came back to haunt me & the fact that my medical bills have been reduced to "only" $18,000.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Confessions To A House Guest
I'm excited about even the possibility you might be able to visit, but you've never been here so I think it's only fair to warn you about a few things.
The carpeting is 25 years old & disgusting. We would get new carpeting, but besides me being a penny pincher, who would move all of that heavy furniture? Also, I keep thinking someday we'll move and we'll put new carpeting in then to sell the house. The carpet does clean up nicely with a yearly professional cleaning, but..... that yearly cleaning happened....10 months ago. Currently it looks like a kids party just happened here. What can I say? We spill a lot.
We have 3 cats & I know you are not a cat lover. They will probably bother you because they can sense a non fan a mile away. Your bedroom door will close to keep them out, but currently your bathroom is missing a towel rod. It fell off & I have no idea how to put it back up. The good news is that as of this minute, all of the toilets, showers & sinks actually work.
I've been stingy with the selfies cause I hate the way I look in pix, but when you are here, you'll see the real thing,the good, the bad & the ugly. Let's just say that given my health distractions, eye brow waxing has not been a top priority.
This is my mom's house so the decor reflect her & my late father's changing tastes over a marriage of 56 years. I like some of it, especially the things that have been in their homes since my childhood. Some of it is just weird & there is too much of it. I mean it's a perfectly nice house & neat & clean (mostly, on a good day) but much of it is not my taste. I've created a "nest" of sorts upstairs in my rooms where you will be sleeping. It reflects me & I love being surrounded by my own things that trigger great memories or just make me happy. I hope you enjoy it!
The carpeting is 25 years old & disgusting. We would get new carpeting, but besides me being a penny pincher, who would move all of that heavy furniture? Also, I keep thinking someday we'll move and we'll put new carpeting in then to sell the house. The carpet does clean up nicely with a yearly professional cleaning, but..... that yearly cleaning happened....10 months ago. Currently it looks like a kids party just happened here. What can I say? We spill a lot.
We have 3 cats & I know you are not a cat lover. They will probably bother you because they can sense a non fan a mile away. Your bedroom door will close to keep them out, but currently your bathroom is missing a towel rod. It fell off & I have no idea how to put it back up. The good news is that as of this minute, all of the toilets, showers & sinks actually work.
I've been stingy with the selfies cause I hate the way I look in pix, but when you are here, you'll see the real thing,the good, the bad & the ugly. Let's just say that given my health distractions, eye brow waxing has not been a top priority.
This is my mom's house so the decor reflect her & my late father's changing tastes over a marriage of 56 years. I like some of it, especially the things that have been in their homes since my childhood. Some of it is just weird & there is too much of it. I mean it's a perfectly nice house & neat & clean (mostly, on a good day) but much of it is not my taste. I've created a "nest" of sorts upstairs in my rooms where you will be sleeping. It reflects me & I love being surrounded by my own things that trigger great memories or just make me happy. I hope you enjoy it!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I'm a collector, not a hoarder!
I have a friend who is close to making Aliyah (moving to Haifa,Israel). She is packing everything she wants into the allowed number of suitcases (I think it is 5). Everything else is being sold or given away. She is shipping NOTHING. ( She may be leaving some personal items with a relative in his garage.) She wants to start fresh. I admire her tremendously for many reasons, one being that try as I might, I don't think I could ever start "fresh"
I really don't own that much "stuff" (ala George Carlin) and during my last move about 10 years ago, I did almost start fresh, getting rid of about half of my belongings. On a previous move when I still had what I considered a house full of items, the movers got there & groaned because I had so little & they were being paid by the hour, so they wouldn't make very much on my move. I guess what I am saying is that the amount one owns is in the eye of the beholder. I think I have a lot, the movers think I have too little to bother with.
Right now, I think I have as little as I could possibly tolerate. Everything I own fits into a bedroom & 1/2 and about 12 large plastic storage containers. I have one large antique china hutch that has been integrated into my mom's decor. Plus, I have all of my kitchen utensils, pots, pans, small appliances, etc. I have mementos from loved ones including my maternal grandmother's wedding dress & of all things her electric waffle iron which I am afraid to use cause of the old wiring. I know I could have it rewired, but then is it still hers? I have quilt squares that both my grandmother & greatgrandmother made. I am an inconsistent crafter, so I have 1/4 closet of supplies. I do still use them when I am in the right mood. I LOVE costume jewelry & native arts. I am a snob about sheets. I don't have very many, but the ones I have I could never part with. Anyway, my goal here was not to list my possessions, but to be thrilled for my friend & the achievement of her goals. She is a true pioneer.
An image came to mind of a wagon train traveling west approaching the mountains. My friend would be the one lightening the load by throwing items out of the wagon. I would be the one weeping by the trail over some chair my great grandfather made with his own hands. (I actually have one of those!)
I really don't own that much "stuff" (ala George Carlin) and during my last move about 10 years ago, I did almost start fresh, getting rid of about half of my belongings. On a previous move when I still had what I considered a house full of items, the movers got there & groaned because I had so little & they were being paid by the hour, so they wouldn't make very much on my move. I guess what I am saying is that the amount one owns is in the eye of the beholder. I think I have a lot, the movers think I have too little to bother with.
Right now, I think I have as little as I could possibly tolerate. Everything I own fits into a bedroom & 1/2 and about 12 large plastic storage containers. I have one large antique china hutch that has been integrated into my mom's decor. Plus, I have all of my kitchen utensils, pots, pans, small appliances, etc. I have mementos from loved ones including my maternal grandmother's wedding dress & of all things her electric waffle iron which I am afraid to use cause of the old wiring. I know I could have it rewired, but then is it still hers? I have quilt squares that both my grandmother & greatgrandmother made. I am an inconsistent crafter, so I have 1/4 closet of supplies. I do still use them when I am in the right mood. I LOVE costume jewelry & native arts. I am a snob about sheets. I don't have very many, but the ones I have I could never part with. Anyway, my goal here was not to list my possessions, but to be thrilled for my friend & the achievement of her goals. She is a true pioneer.
An image came to mind of a wagon train traveling west approaching the mountains. My friend would be the one lightening the load by throwing items out of the wagon. I would be the one weeping by the trail over some chair my great grandfather made with his own hands. (I actually have one of those!)
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Neil Simon & Sholom Aleichem Part Two
Upon reflection, I have a fear some may think I was making fun of my mother in my previous post. Never, never, never! I was making fun of the situation & of my reaction to it. My love & respect of my mother continues though the woman she once was is getting harder & harder to find. I will never give up looking for signs of that mother still being in the present.
A friend of mine told me not to worry about this, that Jews look for humor in the worst of situations. I agree. We also never cease to find the guilt at enjoying that humor!
Several days ago I was filling up my mom's medicine containers for the week & tweeted that I needed an in house Pharmacist to help me. (I also need to keep track of my oral chemotherapy drug & other various pills I take) I think I also need an in house blog editor. Come to think of it, I could also use a person to fill the role of an old fashioned "wife", someone to cook dinner, run errands, make phone calls, balance the check book, reorganize closets, etc, etc, etc...... Any applicants? Just kidding,don't apply! Going through applications is another piece of paper work I don't have time or energy to get done.
A friend of mine told me not to worry about this, that Jews look for humor in the worst of situations. I agree. We also never cease to find the guilt at enjoying that humor!
Several days ago I was filling up my mom's medicine containers for the week & tweeted that I needed an in house Pharmacist to help me. (I also need to keep track of my oral chemotherapy drug & other various pills I take) I think I also need an in house blog editor. Come to think of it, I could also use a person to fill the role of an old fashioned "wife", someone to cook dinner, run errands, make phone calls, balance the check book, reorganize closets, etc, etc, etc...... Any applicants? Just kidding,don't apply! Going through applications is another piece of paper work I don't have time or energy to get done.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Neil Simon meets Sholem Aleichem
Last week my roommate thought she saw a scorpion & freaked out. We do occasionally get scorpions in the house & I hate them with a passion. My roommate used to be the one to kill them cause I was so afraid & disgusted by them. The job of scorpion killer has fallen to me like almost every other job in this house. I was on the phone when she told me there was a scorpion across the room. I told her to step on it & squish it as much as she could & that I would come with the dust buster as fast as I could. Meanwhile, I was holding the phone between my ear & shoulder & accidentally disconnected the phone call. (They must have thought I was nuts cause they could hear my end of this conversation. Fortunately, they called back by the time this episode was over. The person I was speaking to had no sense of humor & no experience with scorpions.) I got the dust buster & asked my roommate to lift her foot. She did & what was there? A piece of cat hair! No scorpion. My roommate went to the bathroom & came back all in a "tizzy". Her voice was tremulous & she said she was "shaking like a leaf". I asked why & she said the scorpion episode scared her death. I'm not sure what exactly I said, but it was something like "Well, no big deal, it was just cat hair". She said "Well thanks for all of the sympathy" with her voice dripping with sarcasm.(Neil Simon's Brighton Beach Memoirs popped into my head) I was aghast. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This from a woman who thinks I'm weak because I get upset about having had cancer, a broken ankle & a kidney stone at the same time. Despite knowing better I answered "You're kidding, right?" She said no. I said (again knowing better) "This coming from a woman who can only show me sympathy when I'm laying on the floor with a broken bone?" (Neil Simon again). She said "Yes" & something about how she has to remind me to keep a stiff upper lip. (You'd think we were British, not Jewish~~yeah I realize you can be both) So I say something to the effect that sympathy seems to only travel UP the family tree(OK, the fiction ends, the "roommate" is my mom). She said "Yes". I asked why, she said (this is where Fiddler On the Roof enters the story) "Because I am the Mama!" There was nothing to do but leave the room & laugh. Thank G-d I get plenty of support from lots of other people.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
The "D" Word
The following is SLIGHTLY fictionalized in an attempt to protect people's dignity. By the way, dignity is NOT the D word of the title.
I have a much older roommate who, through a series of circumstances, I have become responsible for. Slowly but surely the years are catching up with her. Until recently this was with glacial slowness, so slow, I had to think back several years trying to find the genesis of this dreaded "D" word---Dementia. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see clues I missed at the time. I have an advanced degree that should make me an expert on the "D" word, but when it happens to someone close to you, an expert makes excuses just like any other friend would. Lately, these changes and symptoms have begun appearing more rapidly.
Yesterday, some events occurred that made me realize I need to write about it to help myself process it & also maybe if there if just one person out there who can benefit from my experience I want s/he to read this.
My habit of trying to use logic to get through to her is a hard one to break. There is no sense in trying to use logic, it will lead nowhere. Yet, I am still finding myself in the middle of these ridiculous, going nowhere, conversations. I am learning though because more & more I just walk out of the room to try to diffuse or interrupt the situation. This method really works.
I have started writing an "itinerary" for the day for my friend to try to keep track of what day it is and a bare bones schedule of what to expect that day & when. It also helps to keep track of medication times. Sometimes, I put menu for lunch & dinner on this itinerary. (I want to work towards 2 simple choices for each meal, but I'm not there yet). This idea came up because I brought my friend's dinner to her one evening & her first response was "I don't like that". My inner sarcastic self silently said "You're welcome". I didn't engage this, just retreated to kitchen to get my plate. We both ate what was on our plates. Our diets are slightly different these days as our doctors have specific things they want us to eat & not eat. Any readers of this blog know I'm having some health challenges lately. I've found I have more energy in the morning than later in the day. Sometimes I make a larger meal at lunch time & just soup & sandwiches for dinner.
I try not to say "Do you remember when....?" Instead I try to say "I remember when....." Chances are when asked directly if she remembers something, she won't, but if I describe it, it becomes a familiar memory to her, tho sometimes, she still says, "I can't remember that",
I've been trying to stick to a schedule too. If I feel the need for a nap, I set my phone alarm so I am awake for the next item on the schedule. This avoids my crabbiness at being repeatedly awakened & asked "Am I going to get any dinner tonight?" For some reason, the alarm on the phone is less annoying & awakens me faster.
I am being rather strict about insisting she do things for herself that she is perfectly capable of doing. She is not physically incapacitated. She gets around with a walking aid. Waking me up to turn on a lamp is not acceptable! She can also go to the fridge & get her own cold drink, etc.
There are times when my friend seems aware of her confusion & says insightful things, like "It seems I went to sleep, woke up, and everything was changed". However, those times are outnumbered by some innate need to fill in the gaps in her memory with anything, whether real or imagined. I have faith in the stories I have heard for years, but newer additions to these stories I take with a grain of salt.
I have a great need to protect the illusion she is the same as ever. I need to get over this. If we have a visitor I try to interrupt some of these stories that make no sense or lead nowhere. I usually just get a dirty look from my friend that says "Shut up!"
I've started cleaning out her bathroom because she has been self medicating with inappropriate items that may be making certain problems worse. I'm afraid to do it all at once, cause then she will notice & be annoyed. We keep the Tylenol in the living room because she was taking too much of it. There are ointments & creams prescribed for one problem she has started using for other problems. These were the first things I scooped up & put someplace else. My friend's husband invested wisely, but he didn't expect either of them to live beyond 70 or 75. My friend is outliving their savings, but lives with the illusion that there is plenty of money. I am tiring of explaining this to her. I need to just avoid it. It's hard though when she wants outside help here practically 24/7. The outside help never says "no" or " you can do that yourself" like I do.
The thing that happened yesterday that prompted this blog post is just too personal to share at this time. Let's just say I needed a little of my old friend to help me through a tough day & she was nowhere to be found. Her body was here but I didn't recognize the person inside of that body. I wish I knew when she left, I would have liked to say good bye.
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