Chai Circle

Yesterday was the annual retreat of Chai Circle at the posh Canyon Ranch Health Resort here in Tucson. Canyon Ranch is a world known resort.  They have acres & acres of beautiful grounds with flowers,  really old trees, some interesting sculptures & bathrooms with real towels.  I may have been a little overly impressed by that, but there were stacks of clean towels meant just for me. 
Chai Circle is a group of women in the local Jewish Community with a history of cancer.  This was the group's 10th retreat & the first that I attended.  I have only been a member of the group since January of this year.  What a day.  It was fabulous! There were no registration fees.  We were guests of Canyon Ranch.  I've been dieting, but I ate a delicious breakfast & lunch at the resort.  How many calories could it be?  It's a HEALTH resort.  Breakfast was bagels, lox, fresh fruit, granola, coffee cake & freshly squeezed orange juice. Lunch was whole wheat tortilla wraps, salads & more fresh fruit. In between all this eating, we had lots of time for small & large group discussions and a presentation by an integrative medicine physician called:  Movement & Dancing for Optimal Health.  We also had an introduction to NIA dance class led by a member of the group.  I think NIA stands for non impact aerobics.  The gym we used at the resort had a cushioned floor which was marvelous.  The music the teacher used was Disco.  She stressed that no matter how fast the music, we were to move at our own pace.  The doctor who had given the earlier presentation joined us in the class.  The class worked for everyone.  Some people were nearly as good as the teacher & some stayed seated & danced with their arms.  Me? I was able to stay with it for 20 minutes which is about my current limit for strenuous exercise.  
By happenstance the only three people in the group of 20-25 with current or history of colorectal cancer sat next to each other for the doctor's presentation.  We bonded & spent a good deal of the free time together.  Thanks to my time with the other two, I have answered some issues I had been struggling with.  It is perfectly normal to have some trouble getting used to being done or almost done with treatment.  It's not that we would rather be sick, far from it, but there is "separation anxiety" from caregivers, doctors, treatment, other patients  etc... (I can't speak for everyone, but I also became accustomed to the intensity of treatment & multiple complications).   We feel safer, more secure surrounded by people who really know.  Other people offer sincere empathy & it is welcome, but they don't actually KNOW what you've been through.  This is the reason I think why I only want to take exercise classes at the Oncology clinic right now.  It occurred to me that I would like to be thought of as recovering rather than aging.  Cancer is my reason for being so stiff & out of shape, not my age.  I know I wasn't exactly an athlete before, but nothing like this. 
I saw so much contentment or peacefulness in some of the other ladies there.  They are not content with having cancer or of their possible premature death.  I think they are just content with TODAY.  "Normal" is what you feel & where you are-embrace it.  It is what it is.  I waste so much energy being worried about one thing after another. I want to be more content, enjoy the present& be more mindful.  I will try.  However, the same genes that probably gave me cancer also predispose me to worry, worry, worry.  I want to try to be less reactive.  I want to worry less about what other people think of me.  The truth is I need to worry less about what I think of me.