Reborn from an MRI tube.

This morning I had to have yet another MRI. This one was to get a better look at a lump on my back which most likely has nothing to do with my cancer. I consider the cancer eradicated from my body. This lump was diagnosed with one of the most painful procedures I've ever had. The Pathologist sticks a needle right into it to withdraw fluid. This is a lump that is on,in, around or some where  near a NERVE. He told me that it is most likely benign and he could tell me more after  it is removed. He said he could tell me more then & there but he would have to stick the needle in 6 more times & neither of us was for that option. I had already nearly broken the fingers of the nurse who volunteered  to hold my hand. It was hard to withstand that pain AND not move. He looked at the fluid right away & came back to give me the diagnosis  of Shwarnomma. Isn't that a middle eastern food eaten in a pita pocket? He had to write it down for me. BTW, the reason they couldn't anesthetize the area is that  administering the anesthesia would hurt as much as withdrawing  the fluid.
The MRI today was the next step. Thursday I see a doctor to go over the MRI,  & then I'm guessing I go see a surgeon. If this thing only hurt when someone touches it, I'd say leave it alone, but it's begun to hurt all on its own, so sometimes  it burns, other times it feels like I'm being stabbed. They've given me  special medicine for nerve pain, but it leaves me unimpressed.
This is all a preface to this mornngs MRI. I'm not going to retell the waiting around beforehand  part. I'm going to quote from my journal that I was furiously writing in to try to stave off my anxiety, because I hate MRI's.

"I swear this is the first time I have taken  oxycodone  for anything other than pain. (I also took xanax.) I just need all the help I can get to get through this. Heart still racing. When will I calm down? Thinking & writing about it probably wrong thing to do- making it worse. Need to meditate- if I knew how- ready to jump out of my skin -not just claustrophobia-scared  that  this  is cancer or that I need another operation or that I'll be a paraplegic - nearly a quadraplegic. Nuts, now I'm  crying. It wouldn't be a medical appointment without crying. At least I don't get hysterical or sob anymore.
Stop
Take a breath
Options/choose
Proceed to  act


Options-can try hard to calm down, can just grin & bear it, can flee,can hope that med start working soon, can sit here & just worry  myself sick...

Proceed to act-breathing, I may have to stop writing. I think it's making it worse. Remember, with only 1 exception that I can remember these people are NICE. That 1 person ...wasn't bad,just said I had cancer before I was sure I had it, remember crying then. Plus I hate to get Iv's"

At this point they came to get me, changing into gowns,getting IV (she got it on the first try!) & finally going in to MRI room. I was situated on table & given instructions. I told them I wanted Diana Krall or Norah  Jones to listen to, then they slid the table back  & started the concrete mixer.  ( that's  what  the  MRI sounds like to me if you  throw in a jackhammer & a foghorn). I kept my eyes closed cause I didn't want to be reminded I was in a confined space. I think this is when the meds started working. The tech kept telling me what would happen next & telling me I was doing a good job. At what I had no idea. Then they stopped, rolled me out of the tube & injected the dye for the next part of the test. I asked them to change the musc to reggae. They rolled me back in the tube &this is when the meds really started working or I had a spiritual experience. I don't know. I started thinking about my maternal grandparents &  how nurturing they were to me. I felt them both hugging me. I kept still, but started to cry again. Then the test was over & they rolled me out of  the tube. Tech gave me kleenex to blow my nose. I asked her why she kept telling me I was doing  a  good  job.  She said it was because I held still. I didn't know that was such a great accomplishment.

I ended up being "under the  influence" for several hours. Next time I'll  stick to xanax. I told this story to someone who said it sounded like I was being reborn coming out of that tube. Hmm...