Potpourri

Several things are going on...
My mother's strength & ability to stay focused in reality are declining rapidly.  I have written about my mother before.  (The D word, Lost in Translation, & A Cup of Tea) I feel like I am betraying her by writing about how she is doing.  It's private, but I need to write.  It is my way of trying to make sense of the incomprehensible.  Let's just say that I remember my great grandmother in her final years.  She "saw" & "heard" things that were not there.  She was not always cooperative.  She didn't communicate much.  She needed help from my grandmother in the bathroom.  She was strong though.  She walked around the house without a problem.  My mom is having trouble even getting around with the walker.  We have the wheelchair easily available now, because some times she needs it.  She is capable of far more than she attempts.  "I can't" is her favorite expression.  If I walk away, she can do more than if I stand there & tell her she can do it. It's hard to decide though.  I don't want her in danger, but sometimes if she says "I'm going to fall" it sounds to me more like a threat than a prediction.  When I think about what I used to worry about with her, I would give anything to go back to those problems rather than the ones we have today.  Will the current problems sometime in the future look "easy" or "mild"? I have been alone with my mom for almost 48 hours, save for an hour when the nurse practitioner came to see her yesterday.  I have some relief coming in the morning for a few hours.  What I look forward to the most is conversing.  When I am away from home or if I'm able to talk on the phone after my mom is in bed, I chat & chat & chat..... I strike up conversations with almost everyone I see.  Now I sound like I am whining. This is happening to my mother, not to me.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I need to count my blessings.

I am finding it hard to interject any humor, even my dark, sarcastic humor into this. I titled this post Potpourri because I intended to discuss other things that are going on.  Thursday night the world lost a lovely inspirational woman at the tender age of about 57.  I only knew her for a year but will never forget her serene demeanor in the face of an awful illness.  Someday I hope to find what it takes to be at peace with a bad situation even while fighting against it.  Tomorrow morning I am going to a group meeting where I met this lovely lady.  The mood will be sad.  Unbelievably, the set topic of the presentation & discussion will be friendship which has been planned for a long time. 
We should all just breathe.......& try to be present for ourselves & one another.